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A Very Unprofessional Christmas

What does Santa Seppy Claus have in his magic sack this holiday season?

While we here at UF respect the holidays of many faiths (…any excuse to drink…), it’s obvious that the 800 lb gorilla this time of year is Christmas. In my family, Christmas means one thing (two actually, if you count liberal self-medication) — good ole fashioned consumerism. If you’re part of our clan, whether by blood or relationship, my mother demands a wishlist from you. And in the interest of self-preservation, you’d had better give her one in a timely fashion.

This year, outside of the 3rd season of “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” (seriously, if you don’t watch this show, do it now) and assorted Liverpool swag, I’m not really wanting for much. But that’s not to say that aren’t those who are, though.

So, let’s take a peek at what’s on the wishlists of some of our Favorites (and non-Favorites) from around the World of Football.


Roy Keane:
A new job and a razor to shave his Unabomber beard ahead of his next interview. Better yet, how about a job as the next pitchman for Gillette razors? Unfortunately, that gig comes to an abrupt end after the red mist descends and he chokes out Titi during the filming of his first commercial.

Kevin Keegan:
Forget the razor, this man just needs a job. Do you have any idea how important it is to a man’s self-worth to have a job which he can quit at the first sign of trouble? In lieu of gainful employment, a fat, undeserved pay-out from Newcastle would be welcomed.

Michel Platini:
The Beatles’ complete catalog, a lifetime’s supply of Thomas’ English Muffins, simply because he appears to depise English football so much.

South Africa:
Luck. With 2010 looming and continued doubts over their ability to stage the next World Cup properly, they’re going to need it.

Cristiano Ronaldo:
A body-length mirror to admire himself in and which will tell him who’s the loveliest in all the land. Also, lessons from a six-year old on what to do when the ball is headed for your face/head.

Vinnie Jones:
A taste of his own medicine. Oh, he already got it. Then, a tampon to sop up all the blood.

Major League Soccer:
A g*ddamn clue. You don’t have the talent pool for continued expansion. Why do you refuse to heed the lessons of the NASL?

Barcelona:
More of the same, please. The UF Crew collectively pities the fools who draw the Catalan club in the knock-out stages of the Champions League. [Ed. Note: And we collectively wish that our teams avoid Barca at all costs]

Sam Allardyce:
A do-over. After passing up the Sunderland job, leaving it for Roy Keane, Big Sam is hoping somebody remembers what wonders he worked at Stupid F-ing Bolton. Also, the Jawbone Bluetooth so he’ll continue to look like a fast food drive-thru employee upon his return to management.

Robbie Keane:
A rich vein of form in front of goal. Despite his claim that he’s not worried about himself and therefore nobody else should be, it’s time for the ₤20M man to start banging them in for Liverpool.

Michael Owen:
Rescue from Newcastle. Not that he deserves it.

The UF Crew:
Handjobs. Much like Polaroid pictures and Scottish football, what once was thought to be an obsolete relic of the past is making a comeback. (Just joking, Scottish football isn’t making a comeback)

So, what’s on your list?

Written by Darkvader on December 11th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Christmas Wishes and Michael Owen and Michel Platini and Sam Allardyce and South Africa and Sven and Vinnie Jones and roy keane.

Being a Barca Supporter Gets you Jail Time?


Kind of a weird story coming out from Morocco … but bear with me …

According to news reports, an 18-year old Moroccan schoolboy was jailed for insulting the country’s king after replacing the monarch’s name with that of his favorite football club FC Barcelona.

He altered the phrase “God, The Nation, The King” on the school blackboard to read “God, The Nation, Barcelona”.

FC Barcelona says it has appointed a lawyer to look into whether they can help the boy, within the framework of Moroccan law.

The BBC’s James Copnall in Rabat says it is not completely clear whether the court felt the remarks about the football club or other apparent insults to the king were the problem.

The Moroccan justice ministry has not commented on the case.

The family of the boy, Yassine Belassal, is appealing against the ruling, and his father told local news papers he was preparing to write a letter to King Mohamed VI asking for a royal pardon.

An internet campaign is also under way to have Mr Belassel freed.

Earlier this year one man received a three-year sentence for creating a mock Facebook profile of the King’s brother, before receiving a royal pardon.

Last month, another man was jailed after suggesting that some royal practices did not help the development of the country.

He was cleared on appeal following a media outcry.

MY POV: I’m definitely not a Barcelona fan, but I doubt I’d ask for jail time for any of the club’s supporters … well, on second thought …

Tough case and I’m unsure about what this says of Morocco’s legal and free speech system … maybe, that it’s null and void? Let’s see how this plays out.

Written by Darkvader on October 28th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Morocco.

Love your club over the king? This way to jail.

Moroccan King Mohamed VI

FC Barcelona has some dedicated fans, but I think Yassine Belassal is the strongest one yet. He’s looking at jail time for his expression of love for the blaugrana.

In Morocco, the phrase “God, The Nation, The King” is a common expression, for it encapsulates the three things all Moroccans must love and respect. It’s rare for people to speak out openly against the current monarch, King Mohamed VI, but those that have end up in jail, and young Mr. Belassal has recently joined them.

Yassine, an 18-year-old schoolboy, came into the classroom and altered the phrase written on the blackboard to read “God, The Nation, Barcelona”, and it became so much more than detention and extra homework.

It is unclear whether the court felt the problem was about the football club or the inference against the king, but Yassine is currently sitting in jail awaiting resolution. Barcelona have appointed a lawyer to look into the legal fine print to see whether the boy can be helped under the letter of Moroccan law.

Based on the precedent set earlier this year, it’s not looking good — Fouad Mourtada was jailed for 3 years after creating a spoof Facebook profile for the King’s brother. A blogger was also jailed in 2008 for speaking out against the king on his website, but he was released and cleared upon appeal, giving some hope to Belassal and his family.

So to summarize: love your club, but don’t love it like this in a country that’s still coming round to the 21st century. I hope this one works out in the end.

Written by Darkvader on October 28th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Jail and Lingering Bursitis and Morocco and media.

Coming Soon: Blaugrana West?

If reports are to be believed, FC Barcelona will be tossing its proverbial hat into the ring for the chance to land an MLS expansion team. There had been rumors of this previously, but it appears legit now as The Miami Herald is now reporting that they will indeed buy an MLS lotto ticket.

From the Herald:

Barcelona announced on its website that it would partner with Miami resident Marcelo Claure, a Bolivian cellphone magnate and owner of FC Bolivar, to launch a team in Miami. Claure is the CEO of Brightstar Communications, a multibillion-dollar company that is one of the largest Hispanic-owned businesses in the United States. Joan Laporta, president of Barcelona, and Joan Oliver, the club’s general director, plan to be in Miami Wednesday to present their plans.

First, are they many phrases more intrinsically entertaining than “Bolivian cellphone magnate”? Second, a Spanish team with global appeal opening up a subsidiary in a market full of latinamericanousness, this seems like a no-brainer, right?

Not so fast, mi amigo.

Remember Miami already had an MLS team, the Fusion. They closed up shop in 2001, along with their Floridian brethren the Tampa Bay Mutiny, as MLS contracted from 12 to 10 teams. And even though the league is seemingly on better financial footing, attendance levels are only now back up to what they were during the league’s inaugural season. Plus, if Miami does get a team, it will be in 2011, after 2 other cities (in Seattle 2009, and Philadelphia 2010) have jumped in to dilute the talent pool. That’s a problem for whoever gets bids, though, as a two team expansion in 2011 is happening.

But maybe South Florida just ain’t the sports hotbed that people want it to be. Of the 10 Sports Franchises Most Likely to Move as ranked by Forbes, two of them, the Rays and the Marlins, are in the region.

The Marlins were drawing crowds in the hundreds despite being on the fringe of the playoff race into September. And the Rays made the playoffs and still can’t sell out. Even of the area teams that didn’t make the Forbes list, the gate ain’t great. The Florida Panthers draw 28th out of 30 in the NHL and the FBI is starting to relocate witnesses to Heat games.

So whether the jackpot is really worth winning for Miami remains to be seen.

TFA UPDATE: The Offside Rules had a post recently regarding the potential situs of Miami’s stadium. It’s a neat little stadium with retractable seating to fit soccer fields better. Although, it is not soccer specific as MLS desires, but given the current economic climate, probably isn’t a bad deal to begin with.

Written by Darkvader on October 14th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and MLS and Miami Fusion and Precious Roy and Stupid MLS Wankers and Tampa Bay Mutiny.

Barca and Espanyol Fans In Old School Video Game


The Catalan derby this weekend between Barcelona and Espanyol was a thriller. Barca pulled off the comeback win against a 10-man Espanyol after an 85th minute equalizer from Thierry Henry and then Leo Messi converted a dubious penalty kick (weren’t they all this last weekend?) in the 103rd minute. (By the way, take a look at the shot graphic on that link, Barca outshot them 33 to 5.)

Yeah, that’s right, the 103rd minute. Not a typo. Which gets me to the reason for the old Tank Wars graphic up top.

Seems during the match the visiting Blaugrana fans decided to turn the match into their own personal old-school video game as they tossed flares on to the home fans. Naturally, this did not go over well and ended up in the match being stopped for 8 minutes in the second half.

After the jump, see the video of the flare toss. The first is better than the second, and the end of the video has a nice chant with the word “Puta” involved, although my Spanish is about as good as Newcastle United’s football team so I could be wrong.

Needless to say, the emotions were running high after the controversial match concluded after the witching hour. My parents used to tell me, nothing good comes from actions at that time of the night. I would submit to you that they were wrong because I get to read about these sorts of things from The Guardian Blog:


Way after midnight under the hulking concrete stands of the LluĂ­s Companys stadium Barcelona’s Thierry Henry shrugged, washing his hands conveniently clean, and Leo Messi beamed. Espanyol’s broken players mostly bit their tongues and walked on by silently simmering, as the coaches Pep Guardiola and TintĂ­n Márquez tried to impose peace. But few were having it.

Samuel Eto’o returned to the scene of the crime, glorying in it. The Espanyol president Daniel Sánchez Llibre spontaneously combusted. A kerfuffle broke out and suddenly Gerard PiquĂ© was squaring up to an Espanyol director. “I don’t want to call it a robbery because they’ll charge me for it,” snapped Sánchez Llibre, forgetting how much he liked La Liga when Espanyol were top. “This league is completely prostituted.”

Puta, indeed.

Update: The Offside has another video of the flare throwing.

Written by Darkvader on September 29th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Puta and The Fan's Attic and Video and espanyol and fan violence.

Top 10 football transfers - summer 2008

Except Euro 2008 this summer the football world will remember the transfer activities of the clubs all across Europe. Real Madrid made a huge campaign chasing C. Ronaldo, but Milan and Barca were the most active clubs in the transfer market. Barcelona spent over 100 M Euros for the signatures of Dani Alves, Caceres, Hleb, Keita and Henrique, and on the other hand they sold Ronaldinho, Deco, Dos Santos, Zambrota and Edmilson. Milan signed Ronaldinho, Flamini, Shevchenko and Zambrota.

10. Ezequiel Garay from Racing Santander to Real Madrid (10 M €)

This Argentine youngster is the one of the hottest prospects of the Argentinean football. He is only 21 and already was a part of the Argentinean Olympic team that won the golden medal. Garay was on the verge of joining Barcelona this summer but in the last moment the Catalonian team decided not to make the approach. Los Merengues were fast enough and signed the player for only 10 M Euros. For instance, one month later Barcelona signed Martin Caceres from Villareal for a much larger amount (17 M). Later this summer Garay was returned to his old club Racing on a one season loan, and he will join Madrid next season.

9. Robinho from Real Madrid to Manchester city (41 M €)

Madrid’s chase over Ronaldo this summer made Robinho’s agent start to think that his client will be on the way out of Bernabeu. Or maybe he realized that he won’t be their biggest star in the future so he decided to fight for his escape from Real Madrid. Ronaldo’s transfer failed but Robinho already declared his wish to join Chelsea (they offered him 6 M per year, instead of Madrid’s 5 M). Chelsea hasn’t met the demanding price of 40 M Euros so everybody thought Robinho will be Blanco for another year. Then Al Nahyan’s Abu Dhabi group took-over Manchester City and the new mega-rich owners made approach for Robinho with the biggest transfer fee this summer. All in all, everybody came out satisfied with this transfer. Real Madrid got rid of their disgruntled player, Man. C. acquired their first super-transfer and Robinho left the Spanish capital as he desired.

8. Ronaldinho from Barcelona to Milan (20 M €)

Sometimes the best player of the world, his last 2 seasons at Nou Camp were a real nightmare. In his last matches under Rijkard he was just a substitution and everybody thought his glory days were gone. But, despite his poor physical condition and his wild nightlife a lot of clubs were interested in Ronaldonho. There were rumors about him joining Chelsea, Manchester city, Fenerbahce and even LA Galaxy, but in the end he put a pen to the paper for a 3 year contract and moved to Milano. Some say it was a good deal, some the opposite. But in fact Blaugrana let go their legend that brought them back the Spanish and European glory in 2006, but the following 2 seasons were far below the limits. For them, Ronaldinho’s poor form was the reason. For the Rossoneri this was risky decision because of the player’s lack of professionalism, but his talent may rise again and then this transfer will definitely be a good move. For the player personally this is fantastic move because I hope he will never be booed at San Siro.

7. Daniel Alves from Sevilla to Barcelona (32 M €)

Dani Alves is 25 and is one of the best right wingbacks nowadays. Absolutely good signing but what I don’t fully agree is the price of the player. Sevilla got a habit to sell players to the larger clubs for boosted prices since Sergio Ramos and Baptista moved to Real Madrid and now Keita (15 M) and Alves to Barcelona. Barcelona sold Zambrotta (who was one of their best players last 2 seasons, and can play equally good on the right and left wingback position) to Milan for only 9 M Euros and that’s why I think that the price of Alves is too high. However, the time will show was this transfer profitable.

6. Hleb from Arsenal to Barcelona (15 M €)

Aliaksandr Hleb, age 27 is a Belarusian midfielder and one of the best Barcelona’s signings this summer. He was brought to Camp Nou as a replacement for Ronaldinho. I think that 15 M could be a very low price for the former Arsenal man. He is a versatile midfielder, can play upfront, and on the both sides, also high professional opposite of his predecessor in the Catalonian squad. The only thing Barcelona’s authorities should be aware of is his fragility, he missed few months on a several occasions during his time with the Gunners. We hope he’ll have a good season in Barcelona without injuries.

5. Berbatov from Tothenham to Manchester United (38 M €)

Dimitar Berbatov, the Bulgarian forward was a long-time desire for the Manchester United boss, Sir Alex Ferguson. One of the longest transfer dramas was put to its end just before the deadline of the transfer period. Tothenham officials first said that Berbatov can be sold to every other club except United, than Manchester City got involved in the pursue which was not very well accepted by the player, and in the end the 30.7 M £ offer from Manchester United closed the deal. Berbatov appeared to be happy about the move. Too much money or not, we’re about so see.

4. Deco from Barcelona to Chelsea (10 M €)

Only 10 M? That was the first reaction of Barca fans about this transfer. Unbelievably low price for the Portuguese midfielder who has just turned 31 but he is still capable of offering some fantastic displays. When Rijkard left the bench in Barcelona, more than obvious were the departures of Ronaldinho, Deco and Eto’o. Deco was the first to leave the Catalan club and fly up to London after the new Blues boss Scolari showed an interest in the former Porto man. His 3-year contract is worth 8 M £ (10 M €). Deco has started EPL campaign with a fantastic success on the 17 of August when Chelsea beat Portsmouth and Deco was the Man of the match. Great signing for Chelsea and a pretty big loss for Barcelona.

3. Flamini from Arsenal to Milan (free transfer)

After 4 years spent with Arsenal, Mathieu Flamini (24) decided to swap England for Italy. On 8 April the French national team player played the last match for Arsenal and few weeks later he joined A.C. Milan signing 4-year contract which will guarantee him 5.6 M € per season. Maybe his wage is little over that what he can contribute but grabbing this fantastic player with no fee is Milan’s absolutely best signing this year. For the player it is unnecessary to mention his great personal acquisition, but he is a little loss for Arsenal. Fortunately for the Gunners, they added Nasri on their squad list.

2. Nasri from Marseille to Arsenal (17 M €)

Gunners may have lost Flamini, but they secured the services of Nasri. Samir Nasri, the French wunderkind with Algerian roots is the best Arsenal’s signing this summer and maybe the best in England overall. He made his way into the French national team and he has proved himself as one of the best playmakers worldwide despite the fact that he is only 21. The Gunners boss Wenger was eager to get Nasri and after long turmoil he finally got him signing long-term contract with the North London club. Nasri made fantastic debuts in the Premier League – with a goal, and in the qualification round for the CL against FC Twente – with a goal too. His career is in front of him and the world football audience expects to see his magic on the pitch.

1. Rafael van der Vaart from Hamburg to Real Madrid (13 M €)

After failing to land C. Ronaldo, and Robinho already pushing his way out of Madrid, Los Merengues seemed to be in bad position with their summer transfer activities. While Schuster was demanding signing at least one striker and one midfield player, the board seemed to be satisfied with the current squad. But on the 4 of August a great agreement was made between Calderon and Hamburg officials for the future of the Dutch superstar Van der Vaart. Next day VDV signed a 5-year deal with The Blancos and fulfilled the Dutch colony in Real Madrid. He is only 25 and has great records behind him but also a bright future in the Spanish capital. He was delighted with the move in the team and started off the good campaign in the pre-season. He was given the number 23 – number that he has been wearing for his entire career and the previous owner of the 23 Snejder was given the respectable number 10 (after Robinho left). With such a small amount of money this transfer is considered as a transfer “robbery” and is definitely the best signing in Europe this summer.

Written by done_mkd on September 23rd, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Arsenal and Barcelona and C. Ronaldo and Chelsea and Daniel Alves and Deco and Garay and Milan and Nasri and Ronaldinho and Van der Vaart and berbatov and flamini and hleb and real madrid and robinho.

MANCHESTER UNITED IN GROUP E

United face Villarreal, Celtic and Aalborg in Group E of this season’s Champions League.

The European champions were last paired with Celtic two years ago, both clubs winning one match apiece in the group stage. Sir Alex’s team triumphed 3-2 at OT and lost 1-0 in Glasgow, a result which saw the Hoops join United in the last 16.

United met Villarreal for the first time in 2005/06. Neither game yielded a goal and the Reds ultimately bowed out of Europe, while the Spanish side went through as group leaders with Benfica in second.

Aalborg are the unknown quantity in Group E, having never faced United before. However, the Reds have played other sides from Denmark in recent times, including Brondby and FC Copenhagen in the group stages of 1998/99 and 2006/07 respectively.

Dates for your diary
17 Sept - Villarreal (H)
30 Sept - Aalborg (A)
21 Oct - Celtic (H)
5 Nov - Celtic (A)
25 Nov - Villarreal (A)
10 Dec - Aalborg (H)

Group A - Chelsea, Roma, Bordeaux, Cluj
Group B - Inter Milan, Werder Bremen, Panathinaikos, Anorthosis
Group C - Barcelona, Sporting Lisbon, Basel, Shakhtar
Group D - Liverpool, PSV, Marseille, Atletico Madrid
Group E - United, Villarreal, Celtic, Aalborg
Group F - Lyon, Bayern, Steaua Bucharest, Fiorentina
Group G - Arsenal, Porto, Fenerbahce, Dynamo Kyiv
Group H - Real Madrid, Juventus, Zenit St. Petersburg, Bate

Written by ruzzel on September 1st, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on AALBORG and ANORTHOSIS and Arsenal and BASEL and BATE and BORDEAUX and Barcelona and Bayern and CLUJ and Celtic and Chelsea and DYNAMO and FENERBACHE and Fiorentina and Inter Milan and Juventus and KYIV and Liverpool and Lyon and Marseille and PANATHINAIKOS and Porto and Roma and SHAKHTAR and STEAUA BUCHAREST and Sporting Lisbon and VILLARREAL and ZENIT ST. PETERSBURG and atletico madrid and manchester news and manchester united and psv and real madrid and werder bremen.

Eto’o to Stay at Barcelona


Now that Barcelona are done batting their eyes and flipping up their skirt to Arsenal and Togo Emmanuel Adebayor, they’ve settled into reality: Star striker and Cameroon international Samuel Eto’o is staying.

Didn’t we know this all along? Did any of us really think he was off to play in Antarctica or whatever place he was rumored to go?

New Barca coach Pep Guardiola made it official today.

“When I was unveiled I said I was not counting on him but I also said we would treat him as any other player,” he said.

“During the past two, three weeks, the past month that we have been together I have been very pleased with his performance. I only have words of praise.”

Eto’o had been linked with a number of high profile clubs, including Inter, AC Milan and Arsenal.

But Barca couldn’t find a suitor. So instead of marginalizing him a la David Albelda of Valencia fame, Barcelona did the wise thing and invited the scorer back.

Ahh, the transfer season … also known as the ’silly season.’

Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

Doesn’t it feel that this season, in particular, was way more silly than interesting?

Let’s just start the football already!

Written by Darkvader on August 12th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Emmanuel Adebayor and Samuel Eto'o.

Gerard pique leaving Manchester United

Gerard Pique this week agreed to join former club Barcelona, but before he left he asked ManUtd.com to publish a letter of thanks to the club, staff and fans…

I didn’t want to say goodbye without thanking all the club personnel, including the football equipment manager, masseuses, secretaries, coaches, and especially my team mates, who have always treated me well and played a vital role in my development, both as a football player and more importantly, on a personal level.

Obviously I would have liked to play more this season, but I must say that despite some difficult decisions, the manager has always treated me in an exceptional manner, for which I am extremely grateful.

I am leaving with some very special memories: scoring a Champions League goal at Old Trafford, beating Arsenal in April on the way to winning the title and, most of all, the experience of being part of this fantastic group that won the Premier League and Champions League Double.

Finally, a special thanks to the fans for their warmth and support. I would like them to know that I will always carry United in my heart and I hope that they understand my decision to go back to my home club, FC Barcelona.

Thank you all and I hope to see you in the Champions League final next season.

Written by ruzzel on June 5th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Gerard Pique and ManUtd.com and manchester news and manchester united.

Long-Term Pocketlining Plan

Elite European clubs, and even lesser European clubs, look to line their pockets during the summer season through international tours. The holy grail of these tours seem to be rich middle eastern countries and the U.S. Barcelona is tapping the U.S. vein...long term...signing a five-year agreement to play 6 games over five years with the MLS.

These exhibition tours are somewhat of a sham, though. The teams lead fans to believe they will see the stars play, see high quality play and general greatness and fans suck up the tickets, lining the pockets of the clubs to pay transfer fees. The reality of the situation is that some of the stars come on these tours, the competition is lesser, and the players don't give their all.

I don't blame the players for their performances. They already play for 9 months with high stakes. Their bodies need to recover from the grueling season. And, yet, if a squad comes near me, I will still fork over the dough. So, I'm still a fool, even though I know what's going on.

Written by Darkvader on May 16th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Barcelona and Exhibition Tours and MLS.

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