Starting XIs
—
CROATIA
01 Pletikosa
05 Corluka
04 Kovac
03 Simunic
22 Pranjic
11 Srna
14 Modric
10 Kovac
07 Rakitic
19 Kranjcar
18 Olic
—
TURKEY
01 Rustu
22 Altintop
04 Zan
15 Asik
03 Balta
06 Topal
20 Sarioglu
17 Sanli
14 Turan
18 Kazim-Richards
08 Nihat
—
2.37: Excitement’s building in the stands, with the requisite stupid hats and ridiculous face paints. Slaven Bilic was pacing anxiously a minute ago; is this the same useless cunt who spent 4 miserable seasons at West Ham and Everton? He’s become quite the managerial god.
2.39: Bigus is on his third pint, and equally anxious as the bar’s run out of his favourite beer, Victory Pilsner. He is sticking to his promise of being plastered by 3pm as he coolly cruises through his another full glass of “Doggy Style”.
2.40: [He's also anxious because he foolishly picked the Croats to win the whole tournament.] Seriously, he picked a Croatia v. Italy final. Could there be anything worse?
2.44: No-one knew the words to the Turkish national anthem, and now it’s Croatia’s turn. Bigus notes that the cameraman had to pan down to catch the speechless pint-sized midfielder Luka Modric, who will fit in well at Spurs: he’s short and has nothing worthwhile to say.
Kickoff is approaching!
We’re also going to switch the times for simplicity’s sake.
The stadium staff appear to have changed the colour of the running track to blue, giving the impression of a moat surrounding the pitch. This is presumably to ward off the advancing Turk hordes. It might be the smartest thing they do this entire tournament. My pick: Turkey’s winning this one….2-1.
1 min: Turkey starts quickly. They are going for the throat early, but both teams are rushing to assert their tempo.
The bar is also filling up slowly but surely. COME ON DOWN, FOLKS! Beer 2 and I’m gathering steam.
Also, NY Kid: they just ran out of this one beer. Bigus practically fucking lives here. [Is that what married life is really like?]
3 min: Modric takes a shot that’s deflected wide. Fatih Terin is yelling at his players.
Bilic looks like a bible salesman in his rather dour outfit choice.
4 min: A good shot by Altintop, only just wide. Croatia surge forward down the left, and the low cross into the 6-yard-box is scrambled away under pressure. Srna’s corner amounts to fuck all.
7 min:End-to-end stuff so far. Which makes me happy, because in my Mannix-esque way of thinking, a 0-0 that I hadn’t seen coming would be a fucking travesty. I mean, c’mon guys, this sport is fucking terrible when no-one scores a goal, right? Right?
11 min: We’re having some technical difficulties [read: Keeley's internet connection is pants], but we’re persevering. The beer is definitely helping. Kovac “fouls” Tuncay on the edge of the box, which was disgraceful in Bigus’ eyes. Kovac got the ball cleanly, but the ref blew the whistle anyway. Too quick on the draw. Free Kick was taken by Zan which hits Kovac of all people square in the chest. Kovac goes down like a cheap slut.
15 min: Turkey is definitely forcing the issue a lot more, having the lion’s share of possession and spending more time in Croatia’s half, but their attacks are quite meaningless. Very Michael Moore-esque in that regard.
The Turks are struggling to get the ball up to Nihat, and I for one am so fed up with the 4-5-1 formation that I want to drink the piss of Avram Grant’s wife to wash the sour taste out of my mouth.
16 min: Someone comes through the bar trying to sell wooden carvings of various animals. I consider buying the hippopotamus figurine for Bigus Dickus. Then, sense returns and I turn the man away.
Tommy Smyth makes another asinine comment, saying that Croatia is taking longer to settle than they have in previous games. No-one thinks to point out to him that it’s only been 18 minutes.
19 min: CROATIA GONE WILD…. almost. Modric takes the throughball down the right, squirting another dangerous low cross along the edge of the 6-yard box. Olic blazes the pass off the underside of the crossbar, and some idiot misses the rebound header with Rustu Recber beaten all ends up.
Olic and Balta are having quite the tussle down the right so far.
Bigus points out that you have to score those. I nod in agreement. Modric pounds the floor in frustration like a small toddler. Perhaps him and the other North London crybaby, William Gallas, should get together and have coffee sometime.
Bigus is well-equipped to make the toddler comparison as he has one of his own. It’s worth pointing out that Modric and Bigus’ son, Luke, are about the same height and weight.
24 mins: A great match so far. Wide open football from both sides, end-to-end stuff. Cracking to watch. Speaking of cracking, Kranjcar gave us his best Kimbo Slice impression by laying a boot into an unfortunate Turk’s face.
Pranjcic is having a field day down the left flank so far. 5 crosses in the last couple of minutes. The Croats are threatening…. goal soon for them, we reckon.
Beer #4.
26 mins: To address all this drunk/passed out talk, I assure you, we’re trying our best. Bigus talks at a million words per minute, the beer is catching up to us, and the internet connection is shaky at best. Recipe for disaster!
Also, all you grammar/comprehension ninnies…. fuck off. I’m not on the clock anymore, you bastards!
Bigus thinks I type like old people fuck…. well, his wife told me he fucks like old people fuck. Marital bliss does not reside in the Dickus household, it appears. So sad.
28 min: The bar is filling rapidly, just like my bladder. So many beers! The Turkish right-back needs defending lessons…. people not to ask: Sergio Ramos or the imminent Chelsea FC scapegoat Boswinga.
31 min: Bigus is pleased of this joke: “Arda needs to try ‘arder. Getting shrugged off the ball very easily.”
I remain unimpressed.
Seriously though, this is a wonder to watch. Memo to SI editors (of course I’m not letting this go): send Chris Mannix to Eastern Europe to watch the Turks play. Perhaps he’ll end up in that Hostel place they showed in movies.
32 min: Penfold lookalike Tommy Smyth is pleasuring us with his retarded observations. Bigus is about to smash the television.
Seriously though…. ESPN needs to try harder if they’re going to make an honest run at EPL coverage. Tommy Smyth deserves to be homeless.
34 min: Great play from Turkey. Now they’re putting all the pressure down the flanks.
No real chances to speak of in the last 10, but at least both teams are showing their cards. Attack, attack, attack. It’s glorious.
Also, the 4-5-1 still sucks, regardless if all the cool kids are doing it.
Is anyone still out there?
38 min: It’s all Turkey for the moment. Is this scripted? Have the two teams agreed to take 10 minute shifts in attack?
40 min: Cracking shot by Topal leaves Pletikosa at full stretch, but the ball drifts narrowly wide.
41 min: Bigus’ 2-line summary of the half: “End-to-end stuff, the Turks lack the passing in the final third, and Croatia look very dangerous down the left, where Pranjic has been raping Altintop blind.”
44 min: Discussions about the personal lives of various US Soccer luminaries about. We invited Sunil Gulati to the Kinsale with us [well, I didn't, but I have a friend who's got a connection], but predictably he turned us down. It makes sense, right? US Soccer’s chief has better things to do? Maybe we smell bad.
45 min + 1: Wolf-whistles echo in the night air as we’re winding down to halftime. Lots of back-and-forth, but only that one meaningful chance to reflect on. Olic should have buried that. You’re a striker, you’re six yards out, and you scuff the ball onto the crossbar.
Will that end up being a costly miss?
Bigus still picks the Turks “to get basted”.
I was hoping his jokes would improve as he got more drunk.
Bigus finally read my comment about his “fucking” “ability”, and would like the world, yes, the world, to know that his granddad was a sexual deviant.
This has nothing to do with the match, but he doesn’t care!
HALF TIME: Let’s address some comments, shall we? To “rape somebody blind”… I think the idea is that you fuck them so hard that they lose their eyesight, although if you google the term “rape blind”, you get a disturbingly large number of links to news stories about blind people being raped. It’s enough to make me want to stop liveblogging. But I digress. Julie Foudy is in the studio, and I wish I was deaf.
50 min: Thanks to the magic of pre-planning, my laptop battery is going to die in 20 minutes. I blame Bigus.
Croatia come agonizing close to a goal… nice sweeping move forward leads to not one, but two clearances off the goal-line. The match is running past at breakneck speed….Croatia will score soon. We are convinced of this.
Arda gets a yellow for a hipcheck on Sidney Crosby (we have no fucking idea who he knocked down. The volume on the telly is low, and the TV is blurry. Plus some Croat-loving tosser is yelling loudly.
54 min: Corluka is having a tidy game at the back for Croatia. More possession for Modric and co. in midfield as they start to exert the pressure.
57 min: Kranjcar is put through on goal via a neat pass, and his weak shot is smothered easily by Rustu Recber.
Bigus is unimpressed at Niko’s finish, but he’s not surprised: after all, Kranjcar does play for Portsmouth. He opines further that it’s due to him being surrounded by se(a)man for nine months of the year!
Brilliant!
60 min: The talk of the table has been concerned with guessing whether a female patron’s chest is real or enhanced. Also, we are trying to figure out why Colin Kazim-Richards also goes by Kazim-Kazim. Nobody has a fucking clue. Nobody knows, nobody knows…
Also, re: Julie Foudy…. would you fuck her? Is she “doable”?
[Beer keeps landing in front of us. It is my pre-constructed excuse for the decline in quality of this liveblog. It gets worse with every second.]
Bigus said he’s rather do me. Something about me having nicer hair [I sport a shaven head].
I am panicked by this revelation.
62 min: Anyone still here?
63 min: Another reason for the lack of updates is that there isn’t much going on in the second half. The pace has slowed, which is unsurprising considering the electricity of the first 45.
Dare we continue? Bigus just spilled beer on his notebook. He is saddened by this development.
66 min: From the mastermind of Bigus: Croatia are in control now, having cut down on the room and width Turkey were enjoying on the flanks. This sounds almost sensible, to our collective surprise.
He is adamant that Croatia will score in the next 10 minutes. Considering that he’s been wrong about everything else to this point, I will reserve judgment.
70 min: Bigus has amended his idea of Croatia scoring in the next 10 minutes. He is confident of extra time.
Immediately upon typing this, Croatia surge forward with a gorgeous 1-2 that results in a scuffed shot miles over the cross bar. He is now convinced again that Croatia are very close to scoring.
73 min:Croatia completely in control. It’s been almost 20 minutes since Turkey got into the final third, and they’re finding themselves stymied in midfield.
We had a slight hiccup there as my battery died, but we found a power outlet on the ceiling after removing the plug of one of the neon beer signs. I am now blogging almost standing up.
74 min: Corner to Croatia. Lots of pushing and shoving in the box. The ref is not having it. Srna swings it in low and it amounts to nothing. To credit the ref, he’s doing well thus far by being largely anonymous.
Another Croat corner whipped in low towards the edge of the 6-yard box, and it’s easily cleared.
77 min: ACTION! SWEET ACTION! A sub for Turkey… Topal off, Santurk on. Fatih has finally realized that another striking option is needed, so off comes one of the inept midfielders in lieu of another forward.
Bigus points out that Turkey are not even getting close to the final third, so another striker seems futile unless he’s got some Kuyt-esque workrate in him.
To RK5: we’re trying our best, but you can only work with what you’ve got, which in this case is a muted 2nd half and a lot of free pints.
79 min: Foul on the goalie Recber after another shit corner from Srna. Likely Lad: that was funny. Where is that humor in your liveblog efforts?
Recber needs a haircut.
82 min: The Turkish contingent in the stands are trying their hardest to get some life into their side, who have looked quite bland in the second half. Both teams are running out of steam, and Bigus is amazed that Croatia haven’t scored a goal yet.
Great, mazy run from Croat sub Petric leads to a free kick at the top of the box.
A huddle has formed around the ball, but it clears and Srna looks like he’s taking it.
83 min: Cracking free kick by Srna yields a diving save by Recber at full-stretch. How the fuck did he get on that? The ball was looping and swerving sharp for the top right corner, but Recber keeps his team in it. Magic save. By our count, that’s only the fourth or fifth save Recber’s had to make…. lots of possession but few clear-cut chances.
85 min: And now… a picture.
Extra time is looming as a Turkish free kick 40 yards out amounts to, yep, you’ve guessed it, nothing.
Credit the Turks for their resiliency, and seriously, credit to you, the commenters and visitors, who’ve been making our hard work worth something. Euro ‘08 has been a blast so far, and we’re all eternally grateful for the insight, observations, and lewd notes posted in all these liveblogs.
Please, keep them coming!
88 min: The Croat contingent in the bar is getting rowdy as the side surges forward once again, the sweeping move cut short by another cynical tackle. Corner for Croatia, taken again low and hard by Srna. Note to Bilic: have someone else take the corners. Srna’s whipping them in low right into the first Turkish defender. Nothing lofted in whatsoever.
Another dangerous cross from the right forces a great reaction save from Recber. Now the pace is picking up again as they forage in search of an injury-time winner.
90 min + 1: Wolf-whistles again from the crowd as Srna has another free kick 30 yards out and Recber keeps a grip on it. He’s keeping Turkey in this one. Not much bite on the free kick this time around, but he does what he’s there to do. Which is more than can be said for Petr Cech.
90 min + 3: With surely the last kick of the injury time, Olic has a sharp shot that fizzes just over the bar. He was offside, but who gives a shit?
FULL TIME: Turkey 0, Croatia 0
We’re off for another swift round of drinks and a game of darts.
Back in 10.
EXTRAS ARE UNDER WAY.
91 min: The match slowly rumbles back to life, and it appears that several of the Croatian team have used that brief breather to sort their hair out. Simunic’s hairstyle looks especially well put together. The side part is quite striking.
93 min: Despite my fondness for the Turks, they’re looking a lot like this year’s Greece. At least in this game…. lots of time spent defending and passing the ball around without much purpose. It’s enough to drive a man to dri— oh wait, we already are.
Kiss the ring!
94 min: Turkey’s getting a bit more possession and starting to find some room to work the ball wide, but the Croatians are very good at closing them down quickly. Turkey are like the mole to Croatia’s whacking at this point.
95 min: Pletikosa is forced into his first save for quite a while, getting down low to keep out the hard near post shot.
Bilic has loosened his tie and looks rather rattled…. his calm bible salesman persona is out the window. He now looks and acts like a man who’s renounced God and started hitting the whiskey.
97 min: There really is no place like NYC for attractive women with big wobbly butts. Seriously. We just spotted three in the space of a minute, jiggling down the street. Wobble wobble indeed!
The great Croat chance-squanderer Olic is off, replaced by some other c*nt with a five o’clock shadow. It’s Klasnic’s turn to be wasteful in front of goal.
Still, the beers keep arriving at our table. Anyone in New York: Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. The sun is shining, the beer is flowing…. come on down!
100 min: Oh shit, a throw-in. u75: yes, the electricity is free, and the procession of beautiful women who just clocked off work is a joy to behold.
In bar news: some idiot in a brown t-shirt just pissed off his girlfriend, and he’s trying the “let me hug you and make it all better” routine. She is unimpressed and keeps shrugging him off. He keeps trying to hug her, and she’s visibly upset. He stroked her hair and she was two seconds shy of punching him in the balls. She’s now sulking on a stool while he continues to drink, alone at the table they once shared. THIS IS THE BEST DRAMA EVER.
He is wasting more chances to make up than Olic missed shots on the edge of the 6-yard box.
Bigus notes that he still has a chance, as she hasn’t left. She’s busy pouting. We would care more, except Bigus notes she looks like a Clanger.
At this point, blogging the match is secondary to blogging their argument. We will let you know if he managed to get back in her good books.
He’s now stormed off to the bathroom, and she’s about to leave. Chivalry is well and truly dead.
104 min: Turkey come close with a chance, but both teams are definitely playing for penalties. Neither side is really making any clear-cut opportunities. Turkey is enjoying the dregs of possession heading into the whistle.
In relationship news: both brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are sitting in silence at their table. I think they’re getting a divorce.
Bigus notes if he were in brown t-shirt guy’s position, he’d have gotten a divorce a long time ago, as she looks like a skinny girl chewing on a bag of wrenches.
BREAK Turkey 0, Croatia 0. Someone just showed up with an awesome dog! This is high fucking drama!
I am also silently hoping we get to liveblog our first penalty shoot-out of the competition.
Brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are slowly beginning to talk again. Who said world peace isn’t possible?
112 min: Klasnic, Olic, computer hitch, son-of-a-bitch. Some tech difficulties there, but we’re back. Both teams are pushing wherever they can to try and squeak out a winner, but this has PKs written all over it. Modric made a neat run down the right, but his selfishness dissolved the opportunity.
Clanger and brown t-shirt guy just left……. shame, that. On the other hand, the dog is still here, and it’s fucking awesome. [Sorry Q, no picture for you!]
The Croats are surging forward with desperation as the Turks are comfortable heading for penalties.
Man, I wish I had that dog as a pet. It’s like a cross between a golden retriever and a lab? I have no clue.
116 min: It’s not as nice as Bigus’ dog Bailey, I’ve been instructed at gunpoint to tell you.
Hey look, a scoring chance! Turkey prepare for a free-kick out on the right side.
117 min: Of course they sky it high over the bar instead of providing a threatening cross. It’s been that sort of game really: all the action in the middle of the park, but both teams faltering in the box, much like Likely Lad’s sad attempt at a sex life.
An ambulance just sped by. Bigus reckons brown t-shirt is laid up on a stretcher in the back suffering from a stab wound.
119 min: Penalties looming. Both goalies are taking their time with the goal kicks, and I wish Chris Mannix were here.
119 min: THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD, THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD! Unfuckingbelievable. Heartbreak for the plucky Turks…a quick shot of Vienna shows a fire in the Croat fan section.
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL… cross in from the right, and finally a Croat gets on the end of it. Number 17, Klasnic, the sub nods it into at the near post. Bilic goes fucking apeshit on the sideline like it’s a Managers Gone Wild video shoot.
No PKs for us.
Croatia 1, Turkey 0.
120 min + 2: Um…. wow. GOOOOOOOOOOOOL….. Long, speculative ball into the Croat penalty area, and a great volley from Semih on the bounce finds the back of Pletikosa’s net. Unbelievable. The bar just erupted… the Croat is crying while the sizable throng of Turk sympathizers get loud and fucking rowdy. Amazing. Bilic yells in the face of the fourth official, adamant that there was a foul, but the goal stands with the last kick of the match. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Mannix, you douche. This is what it’s all about.
Croatia 1, Turkey 1.
PKs just around the corner. I cannot believe what just happened. Two goals in 80 seconds to keep the sides deadlocked. Here we go.
BEFORE PKs: You have to fancy the blessed Turks on this one. Bilic still hasn’t calmed down. Modric steps up for the first PK for Croatia. They shoot first.
PENALTIES
—-
MISS! Modric puts it wide right. Recber didn’t even need to dive. What a fuck-up for the new Spurs wunderkind. Cro 0-0 Tur
GOAL! Arda makes no mistake. Emphatic. Cro 0-1 Tur
GOAL! Srna makes it. Where was this power on those corner kicks? Cro 1-1 Tur
GOAL! Cool as you like. Equalizer hero Semih blasts it low to the left. Cro 1-2 Tur
MISS! Rakitic puts it wide left. Recber is jubilant. Bilic is stunned. Two huge misses.Cro 1-2 Tur
GOAL! Simple. Hamit Altintop slots it home, low to the left beyond Pletikosa. Cro 1-3 Tur
SAVE! Recber gets a hand to it, low to his left, and Petric is distraught. TURKEY THROUGH ON PENALTIES, 3-1. Amazing finish. The Turks celebrate while Bilic, the bible salesman, tries valiantly to console Kovac and co. Bigus is upset, as his fashionable Croatia for the title pick is ruined. Turkey head on to meet ze Germans in the next round. High fucking drama. Suck a dick, Mannix. You’d have loves this one.
Srna is devastated… three trainers and Bilic still can’t stop the tears. What a finish. Recber is getting laid many times tonight, you can bank on that. Altintop and Fatih are on top off the world. Amazing finish.
Of course, ESPN cut away from the celebrations to bring us… Sportscenter. They claim to have an interest in the sport, but really.. no post-match analysis? No trip to the soccer studio? I guess PTI is more important, hence the interruption. Fucking sad. Of course Scott Van Pelt cannot put this into words. To their credit, they do lead with the highlights, but it’s really a bit of a slap in the face. Fuck you, ESPN.
TURKEY GO ON. CROATIA ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE CROATIA.
Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to keep drinking. Roll on lads! Another good quarter-final in store tomorrow! Thanks for joining us, thanks for the comments, thank you very much. Free beer awaits!
