CL Liveblog: Bordeaux v. Spartak London

It’s the day before Thanksgiving, which means I’m not at work and I’m sitting in front of the television ready for some live Champions League action. Shame they picked the dud of the fixture list. Ah well, beggars can’t be choosers.

So join after the jump, won’t you? Come read my disparaging assessment of a team I hate playing a team from a country I hate.

But first… what other games are on tap today?

Group A
Bordeaux v Chelsea
CFR Cluj v Roma

Group B
Anorthosis Famagusta v Werder Bremen
Inter Milan v Panathinaikos

Group C
Shakhtar Donetsk v Basle
Sporting Lisbon v Barcelona

Group D
Atletico Madrid v PSV Eindhoven
Liverpool v Marseille

Some intriguing storylines there, I think. I wanna see the Romanian team win again, personally.

Starting Lineups for LFC and Chelsea:
—-
Liverpool v. Marseille
Liverpool: Reina, Arbeloa, Carragher, Agger, Aurelio, Mascherano, Alonso, Kuyt, Gerrard, Riera, Torres.
Subs: Cavalieri, Dossena, Keane, Benayoun, Babel, Leiva Lucas, Kelly.

Marseille: Mandanda, Bonnart, Zubar, Hilton, Taiwo, Ziani, Cana, Cheyrou, Ben Arfa, Niang, Kone.
Subs: Riou, Rodriguez, Zenden, Kabore, Samassa, Grandin, Valbuena.
—-
Bordeaux v. Spartak London
Bordeaux: Valverde, Chalme, Planus, Diawara, Jurietti, Menegazzo, Diarra, Gourcuff, Gouffran, Wendell, Chamakh.
Subs: Olimpa, Cavenaghi, Bellion, Placente, Traore, Obertan, Tremoulinas.

Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa, Ivanovic, Terry, Ashley Cole, Mikel, Joe Cole, Ballack, Lampard, Malouda, Anelka.
Subs: Cudicini, Drogba, Bridge, Ferreira, Kalou, Alex, Stoch.
—-

And we’re off.

1 mins: Immediately a foul by Chalme in the corner as he protects the ball out for a goal kick. I approve of this aggression against Scolari’s Spartak side.

4 mins: Nice little backheel flick by Cole that amounts to nothing, although Wendel gets clattered while chasing possession. A very cagey start early. The French crowd are singing at full volume, while both sides are playing in very ugly shirts.

Bordeaux break down the right wing but the move is halted when Terry hip-checks Gouffran and the ball goes out for a goal kick. No foul there?

6 mins: An early shot from Fernando tests Cech, who is forced to parry it out for a corner. Ballack gave him all the time in the world to shoot. Never a good idea, really.

11 mins: Sorry folks, a bit of technical trouble there slowed me down. Chamakh played Gouffran through on goal with a nice pass, forcing Cech to come out and clear, and then a foul by Mikel on the right gave an early free-kick some 30 yards out that Wendell promptly wasted. Bordeaux look much brighter than the garish yellow shirts of Spartak London in the early goings. The strategy seems to be attacking down the right wing, and so far it seems to be effective.

14 mins: Malouda scraps and hustles at the touchline under pressure, but nothing comes of it. Really, I don’t see how Spartak can continue being good with Kalou and Malouda. Sure, they’re top at the moment, but does anyone really think Anelka can keep scoring like he is? Not to mention the Drogba situation. Just offering that out there…

17 mins: I’d type faster if anything were really happening. Spartak aren’t showing much fluency moving forward, and Bordeaux are definitely looking more inventive. Spartak are playing the long ball game, which is drawing boos, wolf whistles and jeers from the style-minded crowd.

20 mins: Chalme gets clean through on the right edge of the box and blasts it goalward, forcing a diving save from Cech. Slowly but surely, the game is opening up… it helps that the two teams are now scuffling in midfield after an ankle tap by Mikel on Gourcuff right before John Terry clips him and falls all over him. The referee handles the mess with a yellow card for England’s Blundering John Terry.

22 mins: Tommy Smyth beats me to it: where are Frank Lampard and Michael Ballack? The middle of the Spartak midfield is practically empty, giving Gourcuff and Gouffran plenty of running room. Anelka fouls trying to get under yet another speculative long ball. Very dull stuff so far, really.

(A goal flourish elsewhere. Roma score on a tap-in, Simao puts Atletico Madrid ahead with a determined finish, and Barca have scored twice in two minutes. Oh, and now Totti’s added another: CFR Cluj 0, AS Roma 2)

Goal for Gerrard too! A nice header at the back post off Xabi’s cross. Liverpool 1, Marseille 0… now goals almost everywhere but at Bordeaux.

29 mins: Gourcuff works himself some space and gets an open shot from 25 yards, forcing another diving save from Cech. Spartak will cough up a goal soon, I reckon.

And then seconds later, Fat Frank gets into the action for the first time today. His contribution to the game? A late sliding tackle on Chamakh that earns him a yellow card. Wendel promptly shows manager Laurent Blanc why he shouldn’t be taking any more free-kicks in scoring territory as he blasts it high over the crossbar.

30 mins: Dear, oh dear. Spartak are playing hack-a-Frenchman at the moment. The crowd goes absolutely apeshit (and rightly so) as Ashley Cole scythes Chamakh down, making no contact with the ball. Terry sprints over to remonstrate and complain, but the ref issues another yellow card. Wendel miraculously gets to take it, and his cross ends up being cleared comfortably. As Andrew said in the comments, there will be red in this one. Hopefully it’ll be Terry. Smyth is wrong to say that proceedings resemble “a rugby game”. I swear it’s like listening to Alzheimer’s with that aging Irishman behind the microphone.

32 mins: More danger for Spartak. Ball is cut inside from the right wing, and played right across the edge of the area to meet Jurietti’s sprint from left-back. Joe Cole reads it well and slides in to intercept in the nick of time, else he’d have been one-on-one with Cech. Scolari looks rather pained at the moment.

(Cluj have pulled a goal back…. CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 2)

35 mins: A rare period of comfortable possession for Spartak as they move the ball around midfield with ease. The final pass comes to Malouda, but his shot was a shot in name only.

Bordeaux break again down the right side, forcing Terry to shin it out for a corner. Gourcuff’s outswinging corner misses everyone and everything.

38 mins: I fear we’re entering that dreaded pre-half time lull. Amazingly, Spartak have had far more possession, but nary a shot on goal. That sounds more like Arsenal than anything else.

39 mins: Move that sums up Spartak’s evening thus far: Malouda sprints across to the right wing to receive a throw-in, gets boxed in against the touchline, does that nifty backheel flick thing to himself but it trickles out of play for a goal kick. Kalouda are awful, both individually and as a collective. To the transfer market in January you should go, Scolari. Anything to prevent this pair from sniffing the starting XI.

At Anfield, Pepe Reina does well to turn a Taye Taiwo free-kick onto the post and out, while Rodrigues Jadson has scored to give Shakhtar Donetsk a 1-0 lead at home to Basel

41 mins: Pretty dismal evening for Spartak thus far. Lampard, Ballack, Kalou, Mikel and Joe Cole have done fuck-all thus far. I hope this trend continues. That said, all this pressure for Bordeaux and no goals only serves the visitors’ cause in the long run.

Jesus… a foul throw? When was the last time you saw one of those? Chalmat is the guilty party, guilty of looking like an absolute clown. Really. You learn throw-ins when you’re 14 years old.

44 mins: The game has descended into a nit-picky midfield battle, a style that neither team are rather good at playing. It’s boring as shit to watch, that’s for sure. Is it any more boring to read about?

45 mins: Ballack gets free on the left, but his cross never reaches the lone Spartak player, Anelka, in the box. Then Bosingwa tries to assert himself on the right wing, but is handled tidily by Diarra. Bordeaux break and Gouffran gets free in the middle, only to blast his shot high over the bar. If the goals were 15 feet high, it’d be 3-0 Bordeaux at this point. As such, we prepare for half-time, and the ref mercifully puts us out of our misery.

HALF-TIME: Bordeaux 0, Spartak London 0

Around the grounds:
CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 2
Anorthosis Famagusta 0, Werder Bremen 0
Inter Milan 0, Panathanaikos 0
Shakhtar Donetsk 1, Basel 0
Sporting Lisbon 0, Barcelona 2
Atletico Madrid 2, PSV Eindhoven 0 (clearly, they’re missing Heurelho Gomes)
Liverpool 1, Marseille 0

I’m off for a nap until the second-half.

46 mins: We begin again, and hopefully these two teams will actually play soccer in the 2nd half. I have my doubts.

Early pressure for Bordeaux forcing yet more muscle from Cech, coming out to collect a deflected cross and climbing over Terry in the process.

50 mins: Drogba is warming up. I repeat, the sullen striking malcontent is warming up. I wonder if he’ll replace Kalou and Malouda, because frankly Spartak would be more effective with 10 men than either of those two.

No chances early. It bears noting that Spartak don’t really need to win this game to qualify for the knockout stages, but still, think of the poor French people who took time off not-work and spent hard-earned Euros to watch this game! At least provide something that we can believe is an honest effort, even if you’re not really trying.

52 mins: A long ball ends up safely in Valverde’s hands. Anelka’s been shit today. Without his tapped-in, empty net goals, he’s really not very industrious or inventive unless you tee up the goals for him so he can’t miss.

Gouffran breaks down the right but his sharp, low cross is deflected out for a corner. Scolari looks even more pissed off than he did an hour ago, and maybe it’s because his midfield has been non-existent so far.

(Goals a-plenty everywhere else, yet again: Danny Koevermans pulls one back for PSV, Lionel Messi adds a 3rd for Barcelona, and Da Silva Willian makes it 2-0 for Shakhtar Donetsk over Basel and surely cementing their UEFA Cup spot.)

56 mins: Yellow card for Jurietti after his 11th ticky-tack foul. Does anyone even care?

And yes Adam, that Golf Academy ad is awful. It looks about as reputable as that Minnesota art school where you have to draw the pirate and the turtle to get accepted.

60 mins: Well, whaddaya know, I didn’t miss a thing while I searched on YouTube for that ad!

61 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL Spartak London, and what a fucking joke that was. An innocuous pass forward to Anelka somehow beats Diawara, giving the Frenchman about 10 minutes to canter down the pitch untroubled before slotting the ball past Valverde as Jurietti finally arrives to apply pressure. Awful. Their first shot on goal, and they’ve scored. Anelka’s immediately subbed off by Scolari, which you know was the plan anyways, but that’s a heck of a way to say farewell to the action before hitting the pine. Bastard. The crowd is subdued. Bordeaux 0, Spartak London 1

64 mins: Lampard blazes a free-kick narrowly over the bar, and surprise surprise, Chelsea look a lot more confident now, so much so that Cech almost gets caught in possession while trying to dribble it out of his area. What a clown! Still, it’s on Bordeaux to force the issue now, as they can’t exactly afford defeat with just one group game to go. Shake off the mistake and get upfield!

(Another goal for AS Roma, which looks to be pushing Bordeaux towards elimination unless they can knock off Spartak somehow this evening. Also, Cypriot side Anorthosis are close to qualifying from Group B as they take the lead 1-0 at home to Werder Bremen, the goal coming from Nicos K Nicolaou.)

66 mins: Fernando Cavenaghi on, Gouffran off for Bordeaux.

69 mins: Anyone still out there? I realize this game is tough going, but stick with me, please… I could use the support and comfort of knowing I’m not suffering through this hell in vain.

(Alright, try to keep up with this from the last 5 minutes: Sporting score 2 in 2 minutes before an own goal makes it 4-2 Barcelona. Anorthosis double their lead to boost their chances of making the knockout stages, and Shakhtar Donetsk score a 3rd goal at home to Basel. All good?)

73 mins: Gourcuff gets some medical attention for a head wound, and it’s really the only meaningful thing he’s done in the 2nd half. No more goals in this one… mark it.

(Panathanaikos take the lead in Milan…. Greek team 1, Jose Mourinho’s team 0. If it holds, then Group B becomes a clusterfuck on Matchday 6. Meanwhile, Werder pull a goal back in Cyprus, making squeaky bum time a certainty there. Anorthosis 2, Werder 1.)

76 mins: The crowd aren’t happy at how the home side have been rather bad since the sucker punch goal. Drogba gets fouled, and Bordeaux make another substitution: the bad free-kick specialist Wendel comes off, replaced by Gabriel Obertan. That’s about as exciting as it’s been for the last 15 minutes.

(Game over in Lisbon, as Pedro is sent off and Bojan scores from the penalty spot… Sporting 2, Barcelona 5. Also, Shakhtar score their 4th of the night. Good for them!)

And yes Georger, I do hope Dossena leaves. He’s fucking terrible. Let’s get this Jurietti guy from Bordeaux. He seems decent enough.

78 mins: Spartak settle into playing 8 behind the ball and double-teaming every tackle, which is just the trick if you’re looking to squeeze the life out of the final 10 minutes as they are planning to.

Lampard forces a low save from Valverde after being put through by Malouda, the clearance ends up with Lampard again but no such luck second time around. Funny how Lampard always seems to spring to life once his team is winning, isn’t it?

(Shakhtar score a 5th, and its dawning on me that Group B is going to be fun in 2 weeks. After all, any one of Anorthosis, Inter Milan or Panathanaikos could go through. Nothing is guaranteed after today, if the results hold. At least one of these groups has proven to still have drama heading into the final matchday.)

82 mins: Bordeaux appeal for a backpass, to no avail. A bit desperate, really.

83 mins: GOAL GOAL GOAL GOAL and it’s one of the amazing Diarras! There’s quite a few of them, but make no doubt on this one: Alou Diarra leaps like a gazelle from a nice inswinging corner, and he buries it in off the near post. Cech doesn’t move, and nor do any of the Spartak defenders in the box, all of them remaining rooted to the grass. They deserved that. Bordeaux 1, Spartak London 1

I blame John Terry for that one. Then again, I’d blame him for global warming if I could.

Substitution for Chelsea: Joe Cole off (he gave away the corner that Bordeaux scored from), Paulo Ferreira on.

86 mins: Wonderful! Lampard, who’s had an awful game, slides late on Fernando Menegazzo and picks up a yellow card. He slinks away as it takes the ref a minute to realize Lamps was booked earlier. Thankfully, the ref got it eventually and beckons Lampard over to show him the red and end his dismal evening. Can Bordeaux sneak it with the man advantage? This liveblogger hopes so.

88 mins: Bordeaux are pouring forward down the left and Jurietti’s cross is cleared to Planus, who seizes his chance to hammer it high into the stands. Good effort from the defender there. Spartak are shaky as the clock ticks down.

3 minutes of injury time.

(Also, all the Cypriot talk should be put on hold temporarily, as there’s a chance no-one will face them in the knockouts: Werder Bremen just equalized. 2-2 in Cyprus with seconds remaining.)

90 mins + 1: Chalmat hoofs it forward to no-one in particular, which is not the strategy you’d expect from a team with a man advantage. They do get a more meaningful attack shortly thereafter, and Malouda gets the last touch as it goes out. Corner to Bordeaux. Gourcuff to thwack it in.

The outswinger causes trouble as Diawara got a head to it. It bounces around a bit but no shot before Terry belts it long down the pitch… and that’s all she wrote.

FULL-TIME: Bordeaux 1, Spartak London 1
As painful to watch as it was, a deserved result. I do love to see Spartak struggle, and Lampard’s sending-off was a particularly happy moment.
—
Thanks for following along, one and all. One last look around the grounds (all full-time scores):

CFR Cluj 1, AS Roma 3
Anorthosis Famagusta 2, Werder Bremen 2
Inter Milan 0, Panathanaikos 1
Shakhtar Donetsk 5, Basel 0
Sporting 2, Barcelona 5
Atletico Madrid 2, PSV Eindhoven 1 (I forgot this was played behind closed doors bc of their home fan troubles)
Liverpool 1, Marseille 0

Written by Darkvader on November 26th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Champions League and ESPN and Liveblogs and Liverpool and Spartak London and france.

Gallas needs a ball gag

While the daily entertainment quotient would undoubtedly go down, it’s about time for William Gallas to shut his mouth. He already caused enough of a stir with his stories from inside the Arsenal locker room to reportedly be dropped from the squad and lose the armband. That’s not enough for Mr. Gallas, however. Now he’s aiming to get dropped from the French squad as well.

Earlier today, in what looks to have been leaked from an upcoming autobiography, news filtered out that Gallas has feuds in the France locker room as well. This time it’s not over heart or anything like that, it’s over respect. Not towards the refs, but from young players to the veterans.

The player whom Gallas had the big problem with is not named explicitly, but there are a couple of clues. First of all, the player is code-named “S”. Secondly, the player’s age at Euro 2008 was 20. This has led to speculation that the unnamed player is Samir Nasri, a guy who Gallas just can’t get away from, either with club or country.

Nasri’s (if it is him) crime? He took Thierry Henry’s seat on the bus. I tell you what, that is a heinous bit of disrespect, and worthy of losing the respect of all your teams’ fans for bringing it up.

The Eurosport article goes a bit further into what Gallas thinks of the new generation of footballers. Given his take on the current crop of teens and young twenty year-olds he’s around, I have to say that he’s gotta go. Arsenal are obviously dedicated to youth right now, and having a captain who has nothing but contempt for everyone else on the team (save Silvestre) is not going to work out.

Then the question becomes: who takes over the captaincy? It would seem that Wenger has a predilection for Frenchmen and , predictably, he has a lot of choice on the team. Diaby, Sagna, Nasri, Silvestre and Clichy all fit the bill. As well as someone named Francis Coquelin, who has not debuted in the first team yet. Or will it filter down to Almunia? Ol’ Bleachy is the vice captain (so Wikipedia tells me) and may have to assume the armband full time until he gets dropped as well.

Written by Darkvader on November 21st, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Arsenal and Bumbling Idiots and Frenchmen and William Gallas and france and ü75.

We Don’t Want to Rule the World. We Just Want to Piss Off the Brits.

Written by Darkvader on November 20th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on England and The NY Kid and france and utter complete stupidity.

SPANISH FOOTBALL? NO, ITS REMY MAREVAL FROM FRANCE.

It´s not Messi, Van Nistelrooy, Pires, Eto´o, Aguero, Villa, Henry, Xavi,
Raul, Sneidjer…nor from a Real Madrid, Atletico de Madrid, FC
Barcelona, Valencia…team player.

It´s Rémy Maréval of FC Nantes in the French League, & it is an
authentic “cracker” of a goal. Deserves to be on any Football (Soccer)
blog. Check it out:

Written by STRIKER on November 3rd, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Nantes and Remy Mareval and Spectacular Goals and france.

Silence, Bande de Cretins!

La Marseillaise is one of the most recognizable songs in the world, and is generally considered to be the greatest national anthem ever written. The lyrics recount the struggle during the French Revolution, and are filled with vivid imagery such “May a tainted blood irrigate our furrows.” Now, we French take the sanctity of the French language very seriously, even enacting a law (Loi Toubon) to protect against the infiltration of non-French words into French society. This goes back as far as 1635, when Cardinal Richelieu established L’Academie Francaise to act as the official authority on all matters concerning the French language. So what does all this mean? Like I said, we take the French language very seriously.

Yesterday (Tuesday, October 14th), France played against Tunisia in a friendly. Although the match was played in Paris, at the Stade de France, many of the 60,000 spectators were Tunisian. Given the history of French colonialism, this is not surprising. However, given the context of that history, it should not have come as a shock that many of the Tunisian supporters whistled during the playing of La Marseillaise. In France, as in much of Europe, whistling is extremely derogatory and is considered even more offensive than booing. This has happened before, against Algeria in October 2001 and against Morocco in November 2007 (both friendlies, and both against former French colonies).

This time, the opposing supporters took things even further, whistling at Hatem ben Arfa as he was announced. Ben Arfa was born in France to Tunisian parents, and the Tunisian Football Association spent a great deal of time trying to convince him to play for that national team, which was obviously unsuccessful. While Domenech stated that he was “moved” by the beautiful singing of both national anthems by several franco-tunisian women, he claimed that he simply ignored the negative energy from the crowd.

The rest of France, however, did not. Prime Minister François Fillon called the whistling “insulting for France and the French players”, while Bernard Laporte, the ministerial secretary of state for sport, was quoted as saying that France should no longer play friendly matches against their North African former colonies. After meeting with President Nicolas Sarkozy, French Sports Minister Roslyne Bachelot stated that in the future any matches at which La Marseillaise was interrupted by poor sportsmanship would be stopped immediately. She went on to state:

“Government members will immediately leave the arena where our national anthem has been whistled.

“When whistling of our antional anthem happens, all friendly games with the country concerned will be suspended for a period yet to be determined by the federation president.”

Unfortunately, Jean-Marie Le Pen also felt the need to open up his yap. The far-right (way far right) mouthpiece declared that the whistling of La Marseillaise was a sign that the multicultural experiment of France is not working. I’ve previously discussed the appelation of the national team as “Les Blacks, Blancs, et Beurs“, a concept of which Le Pen is not fond. Incidents such as those of yesterday simply give this asinine man even more ammunition for his National Front party ramblings. Certainly, the history of French colonialism in North Africa is a painful one (on both sides), and it is understandable that resentment against racism (both state-supported and individual) is present.

But really, how can you boo the greatest national anthem ever written?

To recap:

If you are English and boo Cashley Cole, that is acceptable.

If you are anyone and you disrespect La Marseillaise, we will hunt you down and beat you with a baguette. Or maybe we’ll just take our ball and go home.

Written by Darkvader on October 15th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Les Bleus and Sport and Politic and The NY Kid and booing and france.

Le Championnat 2008/2009 Preview

Olympique Lyonnais. Olympique Lyonnais. Also, Olympique Lyonnais. In fact, Olympique Lyonnais 4x more. The powerhouse club from southeastern France has won the last 7 Ligue 1 (AKA Ligue 1 Orange, but it will always be Le Championnat to me) titles. Will this year be more of the same? Join me after the jump for a preview.

[Ed. note: Yes, I know the league started this weekend. Bite me]

[Secondary Ed. note: If anyone makes an Olympic swimming joke, I will cut you]

So, our more astute (read: Francophone; hello? any of you out there?) readers will know that Ligue 1 already kicked off this past weekend, with all but one of the games on Saturday (guess who got the prime Sunday alone time?). But that doesn’t mean that this preview still isn’t timely. I mean, it’s only one game, right?

After that one game, we have discovered that: (1) Claude Makelele as captain will not magically cause PSG to beat all comers (0-1 to Monaco, despite no Freddu Adu); (2) l’OM have much ground to make up if they want to challenge Lyon for the title (4-4 against Stade Rennais, with Marseille GK Steve Mandanda scoring an OG - see what happens when French people name their sons Steve instead of Jean?); and (3) Lyon are capable of bossing shitty teams all over the pitch (3-0 against Toulouse, with a brace from my boy Karim Benzema, and a yellow for the useless Toulalan).

As mentioned, Lyon are holders of the last 7 Ligue 1 titles, beginning with the 2001/2002 season. However, they still trail Saint-Etienne, l’OM, and Nantes (!) in terms of overall titles. A win this year would put them in a 3-way tie at 8 titles, trailing only Saint-Etienne, who have 10. However, no one else has even come close to 7 consecutive titles, with Saint-Etienne and Marseille both having won 4 in a row (Marseille would have had 5, but the 1992/1993 season never happened). So, everyone has been looking up at Olympique Lyonnais for quite some time now, and they are getting tired of it.

Although all 20 clubs made transfer moves this summer, only the following individuals should be seen as having a chance to make a difference:

Havre AC: (1) Cedric Faure (from Reims).

Le Mans: (1) Anthony Le Tallec (from Liverpool).

Lyon: (1) Hugo Lloris (from Nice) - forced to step into the starting spot since the departure of Coupet to Atletico Madrid; (2) Jean Makoun (from Lille) - the midfielder scored the first goal of the season; and (3) Milan Baros (returning from loan to Pompey).

Marseille: (1) Hatem ben Arfa (from Lyon) - already scored a goal in the opening 4-4 shambolic tilt with Stade Rennais

Paris Saint-Germain: (1) Sammy Traore (returning from loan to Auxerre) - how did we miss him? ; (2) Ludovic Giuly (from AS Roma); and (3) Claude Makelele (from Chelsea).

Rennes: (1) Carlos Bocanegra (from Fulhamerica).

The two teams who made the most noise during the transfer season are Olympique Lyonnais and Olympique de Marseille, and not surpisingly they are the two teams tipped to fight for the title (with Bordeaux a 3rd possibility). In addition to the arrivals mentioned above, those two teams lost the following:

Lyon: (1) Loic Remy (to Nice); (2) Hatem ben Arfa (to Marseille; aren’t you paying attention?); (3) Gregory Coupet (to Atletico Madrid; keep up, there will be a quiz); (4) Sebastian Squillaci (to Sevilla); and (5) Patrick Muller (to nowhere yet).

Marseille: (1) Samir Nasri (to Arsenal); and (2) Jacques Faty (to Sochaux).

So what does all of this mean? The arrival of Makoun means that Lyon now starts a team with a backline of: (1) Boumsong (dear me!); (2) Fabio Grosso (who gets my grudging respect); and (3) Francois Clerc (oops!) / Anthony Reveillere; a midfield of: (1) Makoun; (2) Juninho; (3) Toulalan; and (4) 2 scrubs named Miralem Pjanic (they claim he is the “Ligue 1 Aaron Ramsey”)and Mathieu Bodmer; and the strike-force tandem of: (1) Karim Benzema and (2) Sidney Govou. That’s a lot of concentrated firepower in front of a shaky defense and some questionable goalkeeping (Lloris is young and very untested).

Laurent Blanc (who was a one-time candidate to replace Nosferatu Raymond Domenech) did well with Bordeaux last year, and they kept up the pace by beating Lyon in the Trophee des Champions (the Ligue 1 equivalent of the FA Community Shield) last week. But, shiny trophies and 2-1 wins over Caen in their opener aside, Bordeaux may struggle to make the same sort of push they did last year, as that was seen as something of an aberration (the last time Bordeaux won Ligue 1 was the 1998/1999 season).

Marseille responded well last year to their new coach, and have replaced Samir Nasri with Hatem ben Arfa to play behind Djibril Cisse (who may yet leave l’OM) and Bakari Kone. However, their defense is untested, and Mandanda has looked so shaky that even Domenech decided not to play him in Euro 2008. They will need much better results than the afore-mentioned 4-4 tie to Stade Rennais, in which: (1) Mandanda had a ball bounce off his back and roll into the net; (2) l’OM thought they had won when Eliot Grandin scored in injury time in the second half; and (3) they promptly tied when they allowed Bruno Cheyrou to score one minute later.

As for the rest of Le Championnat, look out for: (1) Saint-Etienne seeking to regain their old-school form with the play of new-school striker Bafetimbi Gomis; (2) Monaco looking to give Freddy Adu some run (although if they sell off all the players that are currently on the block, they may be fighting relegation); (3) Rennes (Stade Rennais), building off their 4-4 tie with l’OM (have I mentioned that score yet?) and letting Bocanegra and Cheyrou build from the defense through to Sylvain Wiltord and Olivier Thomert; and (4) Paris Saint-Germain, who were banned from defending their League Cup title for supporter shenanigans, playing off new imports Makelele and Giuly in order to make some noise.

The relegation battle looks to consist of the “Le” teams: (1) Le Havre; (2) Le Mans; (3) Le Grenoble (aww, crap - that one doesn’t work), possibly joined by Lille and Caen.

Written by Darkvader on August 11th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Ligue 1 and The NY Kid and france and le championnat and previews.

La Fin du Monde? Ou La Fin de Raymond?

As everyone is aware by now, I am the resident UF Frenchman. I am sure that you are also aware that France lost to Italy 2-0 yesterday and was eliminated from Euro 2008. As you might imagine 2 + 2 = 4, and I am an unhappy camper. To make it worse, Cardillo took some cheap shots over on Deadspin today with some lame French jokes. Needless to say, I was not happy about that either. So what does this all mean?

This time, there was no Trezeguet to return the favor to Titi.

Alright, what does it mean besides the crying?

In France today, there was much gnashing of teeth and ululations of grief (man, I’m a fucking poet) over the lackluster performance of Les Bleus. Three games, two goals, one man. Titi managed to score one goal for France (against the irrepressible Dutch) and one goal for Italy (against France!). To be fair, it was clear that the French arrived on the pitch a bit shaken up yesterday, due to their arrival shenanigans at the stadium in Zurich.

Our worst fears for the match were confirmed when Ribery went down from a gunshot on the grassy knoll. However, Domenech shockingly responded in an intelligent manner by putting in Samir Nasri (who should have been starting for Toulalan in the first place, dammit!). But the future Gunner had only 16 minutes on the pitch after Abidal (starting in place of the ancient Thuram) was awarded a straight red card. The penalty kick was converted, giving Italy a 1-0 lead, and ensuring that France had to score 2 goals in order to advance out of the group. Domenech, in a bout of sheer lunacy, decided to replace Nasri with Jean-Alain Boumsong (insert shambolic EPL defender joke here). OK, Raymond, let me get this straight. With Ribery out, Nasri is clearly our best midfielder on the pitch. We are down to 10 men, and we need 2 goals. And you repond by taking off our greatest offensive threat from the midfield to insert another defender? It didn’t matter if we lost 1-0 or 17-0, we were still going home! We needed 2 goals! Ca ne va pas, non?

But worry, not, fair folks. While the rest of France was in a deep despair, Domenech was having himself a grand old time by ignoring questions about the match, instead proposing to his 31-year old girlfriend. If only Chris Myers had been there.

The overwhelming majority of French football fans that I have spoken to hope that this is the last straw for Domenech, who has 2 years left on his contract. Since replacing Jacques Santini after Euro 2004, Domenech has lead France to the World Cup Final match against Italy in 2006 (losing on PKs) and to a first-round exit in Euro 2008 (tying Romania, losing to the Netherlands, and losing to Italy). The French Football Federation has announced that they will be making a decision on Domenech’s future with the team by July 3rd (I would link to the official FFF website, but, well, it’s in French and you Philistines couldn’t read it). So hopefully on July 4th, I will have two reasons to celebrate.

Written by Darkvader on June 18th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Les Bleus and Shitty Coaches and The NY Kid and france.

The Good, The Bad, The WTF: Euro 2008 Edition

This post, my friends is going to be a mess. As long as you know that going in, we'll all be okay. Inside, we will break down each competing country's home and away jersey and file it into the categories Good, Bad and WTF. Pretty simple, huh?
For ease of my poorly HTMLing soul, I will only provide links to each shirt instead of trying to force them all into the Blogger template. Trust me, if you've seen how Blogger can mangle posts by screwing up pictures, this is a good thing.

Onwards and upwards, my friends. Here we go.

Group A
Switzerland Home Away Switzerland wear Puma jerseys. In what will quickly become a theme in this post, Puma jerseys all look cookie-cutter. They have a template, switch colors where necessary, and affix the necessary badges. Boring. What I like about the Swiss shirt is the badge. That kind of artsy rendering of their national association where they also fit in the white cross. However, these are Puma jerseys, so the verdict is:
Home and Away: Bad
Czech Republic Home Away Plain. Boring. Go home. I do like the blue piping on the home shirt, and the Czech badge is one of the more interesting entries, full of history, for those into that. But it is simply not enough to overcome the crappiness of being a Puma shirt.
Home and Away: Bad
Portugal Home Away There is something wrong with the Portugal home shirt. We here at UF could not quite put our finger on it, but we hate it. It could be the wrong hue, or it could just be the too tight fit. We hated it all the same. On the other hand, we were much more sympathetic to the white shirt. It looks a lot better, but, in the end, we found it a little plain.
Home and Away: Bad
Turkey Home Away Now we're talking. It may still be a hangover from their unbelievable victory over the Czechs on Sunday, but these are both very nice shirts. The home shirt can look a little like a 'Boro effort, I'm sure, but it dazzles nonetheless. And that away shirt, my goodness. Two teams made solid use of baby blue accents this tournament, and Turkey is one of them.
Home and Away: Good

Group B
Austria Home Away A mixed bag. Once again, we are stuck with Puma templates, but Austria does something a little right here. It's not in the home shirt, really, though it should rate a "meh" instead of its final grade. The winner here is the away shirt. Menacingly black with a little flag flair thrown in at the collar.
Home: Bad; Away: Good
Croatia Home Away Did we even get to see the all-checkerboard shirt yet? I don't recall. You have to give them respect for sticking with such and irritating-to-the-eyes shirt for all of these years. As for the blue away shirt, man, I don't know. And for that, it perfectly fits the WTF category. Safe to say I would not want to sport either one of these walking around my town.
Home and Away: WTF?
Germany Home Away Poor Germany. Forever saddled with a white shirt that they are not entirely happy with, so they fuck around with it. This year's entry feels unbalanced. Too much black in the striping, not enough red or yellow. At least it keeps us away from the away shirt. Seriously, this is not a look for top tier international football. This is a training top. Even though I kind of like the gold stitching on the black background, I hope they never have to wear it.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Poland Home Away Poland, the home of unattractive football. They never looked good playing in the Euros, and these shirts did not help. Blandest of them all.
Home and Away: Bad

Group C
Romania Home Away Romania's shirts this year felt like a throwback to USA '94. Sadly, the team did not perform in the same manner. The worst part of it all is that they totally rip off the New York Cosmos badge. Anyway, 14 years is too soon to do a throwback jersey. Well, I write that, but I can't hate on the home jersey. I like it.
Home: Good; Away: Bad
France Home Away I am not a fan of the extra crap going across the middle of the French home shirt. They do, however, get credit with me by having their flag pop up inside the adidas stripes on the arms. Throw in that nice, newish badge of the rooster and you have a winner. God help me, I like the garish red away shirt as well. Two winners.
Home and Away: Good
Netherlands Home Away The Dutch are always hard to figure out. They have to use that bright orange which pays homage to a royal family line that no one likes. Sometimes they pull it off, and sometimes it is painful. This tournament, they pulled it off, sometimes. The Dutch were the second team to tastefully use Nike's new baby blue accent by pairing the orange shirt with baby blue socks. And it totally worked. However, when they reverted to orange socks yesterday, it all looked horrible. Also, nice try, but you can't work in your flag on the collar without it looking like you won First Grade attendance medals. As for the away shirt, it divides us. But, I'm the one writing here, and I hate it. So, there you go. We do seem to be unified in liking the cyborg numbering though.
Home: Good, with qualifications; Away: WTF?
Italy Home Away Italy stick with the basics. Once again, this is a Puma top, but it's not quite as bad as the red and white ones. This gets a passing grade for the gold at the neck. The away jersey, though, is run of the mill and boring.
Home: Good; Away: Bad

Group D
Spain Home Away I think we were a bit undecided by these. The home jersey is nothing out of the ordinary, but it works well. That light gold away shirt, though, is rather atrocious. Hopefully, Spain will not be required to trot it out on their way to winning this year's tournament.
Home: Good; Away: WTF?
Russia Home Away These had potential, especially the away shirt, but the execution is off. I am all for integrating you nation's flag into the shirt. I don't like it when doing so means that I have to fill in the blanks for you. The white shirt loses the top stripe of the flag and the red shirt loses the bottom stripe of the flag. Why not go with a blue away shirt so that one can easily make out the flag running across the torso? Nike FAIL.
Home: Bad; Away: WTF?
Greece Home Away Thanks for coming and bringing the same kit from 2004. Did you think that would work? Okay, the sublimated flag print on the away shirt is nice, but no dice.
Home and Away: Bad
Sweden Home Away It's always tough to deal with the Swedish shirts. The combo of yellow and blue is a nice one, but they just use too much yellow sometimes. If only I could get a reason to really like a bunch of yellow Swedish shirts. Oh, here's one. The away shirt is a tough one. In some pictures, it looks black, which would be a bold move, but in others it looks navy, which is kind of boring. Still, since Swedish girls will wear them and get pictured in them, they are both winners.
Home and Away: Good

Written by Darkvader on June 18th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Austria and Croatia and Czech Republic and Euro 2008 and Germany and Greece and Netherlands and Poland and Romania and Russia and Spain and Sweden and Switzerland and The Good The Bad The WTF and Turkey and france and italy and portugal and ü75.

Euro 2008: Day 11

Italy 2-0 France
Au revoir, mes enfants. You got the feeling it wasn't going to be France's day when Franck Ribery had to go off injured after just 8 minutes, having messed up his ankle in by getting tangled up with Gianluca Zambrotta. Ribery has been one of the few bright spots for France in this tournament, although I do think that Samir Nasri, who came on as his replacement, deserved more playing time as well.

And the poor kid was hauled off again 15 minutes later, after Eric Abidal was sent off for bringing down Luca Toni in the box. I've seen a few people arguing that Toni dived, and I think he may have gone down deliberately, judging from the way he trailed his leg back, but I also think that Abidal fouled him, because he was grappling with Toni from behind. So it was the right call by the referee. Andrea Pirlo buried the penalty for Italy, Jean-Alain Boumsong came on to replace Abidal for France (oh dear), and the game was virtually decided.

You really have to question Raymond Domenech's decision not to call up Philippe Mexes for France. Well, you have to question Domenech's decision-making for a lot of things, but especially that. Lilian Thuram and Willy Sagnol apparently asked to be dropped for this match based on their performance in previous games, which mean that Abidal had to be shifted to centre-back, where he looked distinctly out of place -- but when your only other option is Boumsong, what else can you do?

France have looked shaky defensively all along, and it was the same in this game -- which is particularly galling considering that they're playing with two defensive midfielders to shield the back line. Italy could have been up by two or three goals by halftime, if it hadn't been for some abysmal finishing by Luca Toni. What the hell have they done to him in Germany? It's bizarre.

The other big problem for France is that they've failed to rejuvenate the team after making it to the World Cup final in 2006. There are a lot of players for whom this was one tournament too far, but Domenech apparently doesn't have enough faith in the youngsters to bring them in yet. Italy have a lot of the same issues -- a weak defence and a manager who doesn't seem to know what his best team is -- but this was a classic Italian performance in that they did enough to win regardless.

It helps that they've got the best goalkeeper in the tournament by a mile. Gianluigi Buffon saved their ass against Romania and made one especially good save again here in the 73rd minute, tipping Karim Benzema's shot just wide. But it was already 2-0 to Italy by that point, after Daniel de Rossi's free kick was deflected into the net by Thierry Henry on the end of the wall, sending Gregory Coupet diving the wrong way. I feel a bit bad for Titi for that, but not that much, considering he spent most of the game flailing in disappointment at his teammates. Way to be captainly there.

After that save by Buffon, the game sort of petered out, with France subsiding into existential crisis and the Italians trying to ensure that nobody else would get booked -- Pirlo and (surprise, surprise) Gennaro Gattuso picked up second yellow cards and will be on the bench for the quarter-final. They do have a variety of options in midfield, but I think their main concern will be getting Toni's mojo working again so he can properly threaten the Spanish defence. Oh, and, you know, figuring out how the hell they're going to cope with Villa + Torres. Should be a hell of a game.


Netherlands 2-0 Romania
The Netherlands second string cruised into the quarter-finals with a win over a Romanian team that may be limited and yet had previously managed to foil both the World Cup finalists. I think this makes the Dutch B-team slightly better than the Croatian B-team, for those of you who care about such things. Then again, when your B-team has players like Arjen Robben and Robin van Persie, that's kind of a misnomer.

The Netherlands dominated from the outset, but I don't think they were trying particularly hard. At least, it took them a while to find a way to cut through the Romanian defence, wasting several chances in the first half. They didn't take the lead until the 54th minute, from a right-wing cross that was flicked on by Orlando Engelaar for Klaas-Jan Huntelaar to finish.

As for Romania, they just didn't look like they really wanted to win the game. Even after they went behind -- and knowing that Italy were leading against France -- they were still too defensively focussed, with not enough players pushing up to support Adrian Mutu in attack. (Poor Mutu, incidentally, must still be kicking himself for that penalty piss against Italy.) And their fate was sealed with a second goal for the Netherlands late on, Robin van Persie controlling a great diagonal ball from Demy de Zeeuw and slicing his shot past Bogdan Lobont at the near post.

This performance doesn't really tell us anything new about the Netherlands squad -- we already knew that they had an obscene number of gifted attacking players. But what I find interesting is that their supposedly shaky defence hasn't really put a foot wrong so far. I'm very curious to see what would happen if they come up against, say, Portugal, further along the line.


Next up: The Netherlands play the Group D runners-up (Russia or Sweden) on Saturday, and on Sunday, Italy will see if Spain choke yet again at the quarter-final stage

Bad hair of the day award: Fabio Grosso, for his white-boy fro. Fabio, Andrea Pirlo would like to teach you a few things about the proper use of conditioner.

Written by Jen on June 18th, 2008 with no comments.
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Euro Trash Day 11: The Replacements

The Dutch rested 9. The French made 3 changes. The Romanians stood firm. The Italians mixed and matched a little.

Today was a day for drama and substitutes, for hasty tactical rearrangements and a formation shattered by a first-half red card. Regardless, every team earned their cash, and we enjoyed the treats.

Somewhere tonight, an astrological chart burns.

France 0
Italy 2 (Pirlo 25" pen, De Rossi 62")

If I were Raymond Domenech, I simply wouldn't go home. I wouldn't run the risk of being mutilated and torn limb-from-limb by the croissant-chompers lying in wait at Charles de Gaulle airport. I would simply pull a Jason Bourne; burn my current ID, pull out a fake passport, cut my hair and add a fake moustache, and disappear into the night.

No note of apology, no note of sorrow and regret... just get the fuck out and start again. Barbados is looking for a coach, but even he might be a touch too New Agey for a country rooted in various spiritual traditions.

That being said, let's put Gallic castigation aside for a minute and look at these scrappy Italian feckers.

Did they wet themselves when examining the task at hand? No.

Did they complain at every refereeing decision? No, especially not the contentious red card for Thuram's understudy, Eric Abidal. It was a blatant, clumsy foul. No doubt whatsoever there. But a straight red? Is someone taking the term "professional foul" a little too seriously? Coupet was right there, although Eric was the last man.

Did they work hard in the second half to make sure the victory was theirs? Yes.

Did they make the most of what was good fortune and enterprise was thrown their way? Yes, with the exception of yet another dismal performance from lone frontman Luca Toni. (As the BBC liveblog noted, Toni and Mario Gomez combined for 43 goals this season in the Bundesliga. What the fuck is going on? Are they that bad, or is it the Bundesliga?)

For Italy, this was a fine way to bounce back from two terrible performances earlier in the group. They now stumble into the quarter-finals to face Spain, with the grim reality of continuing to toil without Cannavaro, and now losing Pirlo and Gattuso to 1-game suspensions after their yellows this evening.

For France, a long trip home and plenty of time to reflect. Why didn't Thuram play? Why did Ribery have to overextend on that meaningless, innocuous foul early in the game? Why did Domenech flirt with using Nasri, only to pull him after the red card instead of the listless Toulalan (who's been absolute crap in Euro '08)? Why did Henry toil alone up front? Why is Coupet not in line for the French presidency?

All these questions can be answered rather simply: Domenech is a useless son of a bitch. I eagerly await his termination and subsequent replacement, who is facing a Herculean task to turn around this old, tired squad that's horribly imbalanced towards the aged and tenured.

I just hope for Estelle Denis' sake that Raymond makes a better husband than manager (Else, I'll happily offer my services as a replacement).

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Netherlands 2 (Huntelaar 54", Van Persie 87")
Romania 0

Poor Romania. Even with 9 changes to the Dutch XI that fisted France and Italy, they still couldn't get it done. Of course, in lieu of finding actual constructive criticism, the Bucharest press will surely just call for Mutu's head after his penalty miss against Gianluigi Buffon.

But in reality, Romania simply wasn't good enough today. Despite the waves of possession and half-chances, you always had the feeling that the clog-hoppers were going to walk away unscathed, and two moments of class were enough. Huntelaar's finish was decisive from Afellay's cross, and Van Persie surprised our UF liveblog peanut gallery in playing the entire match and even bagging the late goal with an emphatic close-range effort.

Shame for the Romanians, but they're history now.

Regarding Holland, do we join the bandwagon and anoint them as the tournament favourites heading into the quarter-finals? On performances alone, they've been the most impressive by far. They've enjoyed clear victories over a darkhorse and two pre-tourney frontrunners, and now they're looking at a dinner date with either Russia or Sweden, two equally-dull and dismal sides to watch.

Beyond that, a mouth-watering semi with either Spain or Italy, and then who knows?

Of all the teams to make it this far, none other has shown the consistency of character or victory, but they all have their strong points. I wrote at length of the Dutch ability to waste talent in my team preview, and perhaps it's all downhill from here. At least they've shown us some entertainment in the group stages.

(ps. I'm still picking Spain to shake their pretender shackles and emerge victorious, even though Total Football appears to have, gulp, returned)

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Links Roundup
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Meet Aragones, your new Fenerbahce manager [Soccernet]
Madagascar fire their manager, who was UNDEFEATED in qualifying! [Yahoo! Sports]
Soccer means less people go to the opera? I'm stunned! [AP]
Jens Lehmann with some advice on how to stop Portugal. I'm worried, considering he couldn't stop Birmingham [International Herald Tribune]
Germany's bright young star might jump to the Jewish club of North London. Good/bad idea? [The Daily Telegraph]
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Top 10 US Players who deserve to see the pitch (seriously, get rid of Donovan) [THE YANKEE HOOLIGAN]
An inside look at Chelsea's propaganda machine [Pitch Invasion]
Remember this? Well, they've been found guilty! Elder brother Shaun must be so proud! [BBC News]

Written by Darkvader on June 18th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Euro 2008 and Euro Trash and Lingering Bursitis and Netherlands and Romania and france and italy.