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“Yep, remember when we could have won this Cup but played the dullest football known to mankind in the final? Ahh, good times…”Well, it’s the middle of the week and nothing else is happening in the world of soccer, so it’s the perfect time for the Little Euro Cup to peek its ugly head out.
So, how did everyone get on today?
Portsmouth 3, Heerenveen 0
Solid performance from the newly Diarra-less Pompey, including a brace from Peter Crouch, who no doubt celebrated with some delicious nachos. The Eredivisie side aren’t up to much, but Pompey came in this evening knowing they were already eliminated from the competition, so the lack of pressure brought out their flair. Good thing they’re not advancing considering all the players they’ll lose in January.
AC Milan 2, Wolfsburg 2
The Rossonieri sure do love their score draws! At least this time round, they led in the match instead of waiting until the last 10 minutes to score twice (like they did at Fratton Park).
Hamburg 3, Aston Villa 1
O’Neill’s men were manhandled, but what does it matter? They had safe passage wrapped up weeks ago. A late scrappy goal for young’un Nathan Delfouneso (seriously, if Villa has any more speedy young wingers/forward, they should declare them at Customs) wasn’t enough to counter Ivica Olic’s double and Mladen Petric’s volley.
Ajax 2, Sparta Prague 2
Look, last minute penalty equalizers! The Dutch left it late but were through anyway.
St. Etienne 2, Valencia 2
Hey look, Fernando Morientes scored. Remember that guy at Anfield? Yeah, perhaps best not to.
Club Brugge 0, FC Copenhagen 1
Why am I still recapping?
Deportivo La Coruna 1, Nancy 0
Ha, Nancy. Of course the Gallic pansies went down limply.
Feyenoord 0, Lech Poznan 1
Goal! Ivan Djurdjevic must have a foot like a traction engine. The cagey win puts the Poles into the next round.
Written by Darkvader on December 17th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Lingering Bursitis and Peter Crouch and UEFA Cup and aston villa and portsmouth.
Portsmouth have accepted a “substantial bid” from Real Madrid for midfielder Lassana Diarra. As if things weren’t hard enough for Adams already… he’ll lose Defoe and Johnson in less than a month too.
[BBC Sport]
Written by Darkvader on December 17th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Lingering Bursitis and Tony Adams is screwed and Transfer bullshit and UF Quick Throws and portsmouth.
Ever wondered what a racist and homophobic individual looks like? You have? Well after the jump ye shall be enlightened. Cops have released images of the 16 morons who they wish to nab in connection with the abuse that Portsmouth defender and ex-Spurs man Sol Campbell received when the two sides met back on the 28th of September.
Here they are. What a bunch. A number of them look young and ignorant but there are a few who should know better! Yes you, Mr top right and you, Mr third row middle left. Hmm, how embarrassed will you be when the old bill march into your place of work and take you to the station.
The Police are taking the matter very seriously. They failed to arrest those responsible at the time of the game due the logistics of dealing with such a large crowd and have been comparing the images to database records of known hooligans. Now they have released the images of the men they believe to all be from London, so people who know them and dislike them can turn supergrass.
‘We want to send a clear message that abuse of this kind will not be tolerated and that we are taking robust action. I’d urge anyone who recognises these people to contact us as soon as possible.‘ -Superintendent Neil Sherrington of the Hampshire fuzz.
I am surprised how good the images are, watch out footy fans, big brother is watching. I guess they will have to use game footage and lip reading experts in court to decide if this bunch are actually guilty. Police arrested two men in connection with the incident last Friday.
Campbell has been victim to abuse on previous occasions from Spurs fans who still hold a grudge over the defenders unique move to hated neighbors Arsenal back in 2001. This is not the only case of this nature to be investigated recently. Just last week, 2 men were arrested in Newcastle for racially abusing Egyptian striker Mido.
I am glad to say than UF’s own Likely Lad is not in one of the pictures above.
-Bigus
[UPDATE: According to the Guardian news ticker, they've arrested one this morning in connection with the incidents. Let's hope the rest are captured so easily.]
Written by Darkvader on December 10th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Bigus Dickus and Hampshire Police and Sol Campbell and gay haters and portsmouth and racists and spurs goons.
Ronaldo knows what it’s like to fall fast
Football is a crazy game these days. The emotional capital on the line every week is staggering. The modern consumer needs a steady hand to guide the way. Unfortunately, that individual has come to the wrong place. This is an American soccer blog, and like Americans do, we suffer our pain in silence, then go out and gamble with other people’s money. (Sub-prime Spurs! Get me every time!)
So without further rabble, we present today the first edition of UF’s Market Guide. What to Sell! What to Buy! And Everything in between…
BUY! BUY ! BUY!
…until we freak out on national television and tell you to sell the kids for food.
Buy Portsmouth:
Make fun of Fratton Park all you like, the AC Milan game was magic. That coupled with white-knuckle ride win over Blackburn is just what they needed. Tony Adams has his first win; now he can build. Harry Who? (Caveat Emptor: they may have to sell the first team’s shin pads for rent money come January.)
Buy TSG 1899 Hoffenheim:
Another impressive win this weekend. Their American educated, trained, nourished striker Veded Ibisevic, who happens to play his international footie for Bosnia (d’oh!) is a scoring machine. With pedigree that likens them to a sort of German Reading, they could go into the winter break atop the league (Caveat: Like Bayern Munich so many years ago, English Reading will host Norwich City this season.)
Buy Antonio Cassano:
The guy’s good on the pitch and (as the intrepid Lingering Bursitis explains) hilarious off it. Like we needed another reason to want to go to Spain…
Buy Emile Heskey:
This is actually a personal message to Redknapp and Levy. Buy him from Wigan in January. Spurs need to someone to link the midfield to their one-touch strikers and Modric isn’t reliable enough.
Buy Chelsea fans:
Like Leprechauns, they exist, but are increasingly difficult to find. The Blues supporter is rare and fantastic entertainment. Alternately despondent, reflective, nostalgic (make it Special again!), and whiny (offside!)… and they’re in first place still, ‘Pool pending.
Buy Maradona:
There is but one inalienable truth in this whole debate. The Argentinian players looooove him. No matter how stupid or perverse he acts (to be fair, he was subdued, naturally it appeared, during the Scotland match) they will continue to love him. And when you’ve got that quality of athlete, a bit of motivation could be more valuable than all the tactics in the world.
Sell! For Chrissakes, Sell it all! Light it on fire, just be done with it!!
…until next week, when everything bounces back but your checking account. Sawwrry.
Sell Real Madrid:
Bernd Schuster is a loss away from the salida, and losing to Getafe on Saturday surely doesn’t help. Also, it looks like Rafa, their top target, is signing a new deal at Anfield, meaning they’re fucked royally in their search for someone new. They might end up with Juande Ramos (silence)(crickets)(a distant scream)…
Sell Roy Keane:
sayeth LB, “Really, you’re almost done. Bolton embarrassed you at home. Bolton! Unless you unleash the feral rage of your playing days instead of this new zen calm you display on the sidelines, you’re looking for a job in January.”
Seriously, LB has a great point. I understand that the guy is mellowing with age, but this is ridiculous. It will end badly. Either as described above, or with a training pitch assault/Joe Kinnear-inspired presser. The prawns are cooked, Roy, just need to toast the bread now…
Sell Paul Ince:
LB: “You should have stayed at MK Dons.” Paul Ince: “I should have stayed at MK Dons.”
Sell “6+5″:
Is it entirely Evil? No. Does it have a chance of happening? No. Platini needs to read up on globalization, etc. Protectionist policies, especially when there are high-end elements of money and nationalism involved, just don’t kick it in the modern world. If the American auto industry can die, French league football can suck a bit more. (no offense, NYK)
Sell American soccer’s ability to pick up on home grown talent:
And to Bosnia, no less. Both Vebad Ibisevic (from Hoffenheim, see above) and Neven Subotic could have been USMNT fixtures for the next decade if the infrastructure in this country wasn’t so convoluted. It’s not like Ibisevic played college ball here. And I guess Subotic would’ve had to sit behind Onyewu anyway… Ugh…
Wait! Hold Still! Do Nothing! Freeze Up! We’re confounded…
Arsenal:
Beating Man U and Chelsea still doesn’t make them solid gold yet. They still had an awful month for the most part. They are lacking in depth, the Gallas situation, injuries, etc… etc…
Capello’s England:
“Well Let’s Not Start Sucking Each Other’s Dicks Quite Yet.” The Wolf had this one scouted out… I’m just saying. The Sun (not the paper) remains at the center of the universe and David Beckham didn’t fall of the edge of the world, he just agreed to play for the Alexi Lalas-led L.A. Galaxy. England will probably fuck this up. So hold tight to your positions.
This Concept!
It’s looking pretty good right now, but we’ve missed out on so much. Go to the comments section and add your own “tips” or do it to us on email and maybe they’ll make the site for next week. Until then… Be Champions!
Written by Darkvader on December 1st, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Arsenal and Cassano and Emile Heskey and Lingering Bursitis and Pulp Fiction quotes and Spurs and TSG Hoffenheim and The Likely Lad and UF Market Madness and blackburn and laughing at chelsea and portsmouth and real madrid and roy keane.
That’s Pompey keeper David James (A.K.A the Vampire) rolling on his new wheels. All 3 of em. Find out why the England keeper was forced to ditch his Mercedes for a more ‘modest’ form of transport after the jump.
Q: What happens when you suck at training in Porstmouth?
A: They make you drive a 3 wheeled Robin Reliant!
Being the worst player of the day at Pompey doesn’t guarantee a bollocking from the boss or a slap on the wrist. The punishment is FAR more severe. You are forced to drive a 3 wheeled Robin Reliant home. For all you Americans currently asking yourselves “What the f*ck is that?” I will enlighten you.
The vehicle was made famous in the 80’s by TV character, wide boy market trader Delboy Trotter and his idiot brother Rodney in the highly popular TV series ‘Only fools and horses’. The series ran for 10 years initially (Christmas specials followed) and gave British viewers cult insults to use on each other such as “plonker”, “dipstick”, “twonk” along with phrases such as “Lovely Jubly” and “Cushty”.
Delboy and Rodney with their ‘reliant’ in France for a Christmas special
The 3 wheeled ‘car’ was purchased by Pompey players who clubbed together obtain the creative punishment. The vehicle has also been fitted with a speaker that plays farm animal noises as the under-performing player rides home with rosy red cheeks.
All this talk of ‘Only fools’ put me in the mood to share. Enjoy…
-Bigus.
Written by Darkvader on November 13th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Bigus Dickus and David James and portsmouth and robin reliants.
Former Arsenal Captain Tony Adams has taken over at Portsmouth but will his players request a move? I am sure his chairman is delighted that he has publically given them an out! Join me after the jump to look at the Pompey gaff-er’s first press conference.
There he sat, Pompey’s new boss for his first press conference and his first managerial post in the top flight. He has been at Portsmouth as a number 2 for just long enough for Peter Storrie to forget his disastrous spell in charge of Wycombe Wanderers between 2003-04, a spell in the lower leagues that Adams will be glad is far behind him. In that time, he took Wycombe from the top of the table to the bottom and League 2. Oops.
So what’s the first issue Adams addressed as he enjoyed the limelight today? That of his players and their allegiance to former boss Harry Redknapp. Adams warned his former mentor Harry Hotspur to keep his grubby hands off his players in January. A good move. Well done Tony. Then he said this…
“If anyone wants to go I’ll let them. I want players who want to play for us. If they don’t, it’s no good in the long run making them stay.” -Tony Adams, today.
NOOOOOOOOO! SHHHHHHH! What have you done! You just told all of your players they can leave if they want to, that’s what. The warning to Spurs is now useless. What a gaff. A gaff of Wycombe-esque proportions. Surely if a big club comes in then the players WILL want to leave and off they will go, granted their move with a polite wave from the manager. Adams might as well rip up the contracts today.
Now, I am not Nostradamus but I can see a raid coming in January. Spurs need a central midfielder and at least one forward. Diarra, Crouch and Defoe will surely be on the shopping list and other teams will also now be adding Portsmouth players. As long as they want to leave of course. Jeez. Maybe Adams should just swap out the OKI logo on the team shirts for a ‘FOR SALE’ sign.
Adams has no managerial experience at this level but he will need to learn fast, as this isn’t League 1. I do wish him luck, he was an excellent player and great asset to England. I can’t help thinking however that his lack of experience with the press, as well as with the players, will come back to haunt him.
This position may have come too early for Adams and Portsmouth fans will certainly be nervous.
-Bigus.
Written by Darkvader on October 29th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Bigus Dickus and playing the media game and portsmouth and tony adams.
Harry nose when to quit!
It’s confirmed. Tottenham’s new manager will be the ‘king of quitters’ Harry Redknapp. A hefty fee was agreed between Spurs top man Daniel Levy and Pompey’s Peter Storrie on Friday (they kept that quiet) and tonight old Harry spills the beans. Join me after the jump for a look at the ‘history’ of Harry…don’t leave early will you?
Champion quitter Harry Redknapp has announced that he will be Spurs new gaffer. The man to save the day and resuscitate Tottenham’s cadaverous season. He told SKY Sports tonight that Porstmouth will receive 5 million quid in compensation for his extremely intriguing move to the scared shitless part of North Laaaandon.
“I love Portsmouth and I loved my time there, we had some fantastic success and I’d never been happier, but it’s a great deal for Portsmouth, £5m for me, and it’s a chance for me to get on and see what I can do. Once Tottenham came in and once the offer was made it was difficult for the club to turn down a £5m offer for a manager. The club were pleased to take it and hopefully people will remember what I’ve done there.” -Harry Redknapp.
So It’s a “GREAT “deal for Pompey, that’s the slant. They wanted to sell me! Honest!
True or not, Harry is the new Spurs manager and it’s a weird move indeed. Porstmouth are currently 7th in the table and the reigning F.A Cup holders. Spurs have 2 points, are 5 from safety and are rooted bottom of the Premier League. They are also bottom of their UEFA Cup table after Udinese rolled them over 2-0 in Italy on Thursday. Harry must like a challenge because this is the mother of all challenges. But this isn’t the first time Harry has quit a team, he is starting to make a habit out of it.
Harry’s first act of quittage was Bournmouth in 1992. He’d had enough of the limited resources and walked. Next Rednapp joined West ham as Billy Bond’s assistant and took over the top spot in 1994 after Bond’s resigned. After a falling out with Hammers supremo Terry Brown over some comments he made to a fanzine regarding Brown, Redknapp left West Ham in 2001. Pompey were next. After pulling a Houdini and keeping Pompey in the Premiership Harry quit in 2004 after falling out with (then) owner Milan Manderic. He joined rivals Southampton in a move that turned him into a hate figure for Porstmouth fans but in 2005 he pulled the old switcheroo for Portsmouth once again. Keeping the hate flowing on the south coast (It just moved east to west a bit). Moving to a rival once was unheard of, but twice? Harry sure is a quitter, but quitting is better than getting the old tin-tack isn’t it Harry? And that brings us to today.
Maybe Harry gets itchy feet? Maybe he likes money. I’ll go with the latter, but it has to be said early, if anyone can save Tottenham from a drop into the Championship, it’s Harry Redknapp. If Harry fails to save Spurs then he has proven that he can bring a team back up from the challenge that lies below (Porstmouth 2002-03). Maybe that’s the key to Levy’s move? Prepare for the inevitable while having a good go at surviving. Either way it’s going to be a tough challenge. However, Harry Redknapp is a tough cookie. Spurs players certainly won’t get an easy ride or the niceties of Senor Ramos and his European ways, oh no! And this is a wonderful opportunity to bust out one of my favorite you tube videos EVER.
So take that as a warning all you under achievers of Tottenham. Harry is in the house and he means business. Shape up or you’ll be in the “facking reserves”.
-Bigus
Written by Darkvader on October 25th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Bigus Dickus and Bigus wrote this drunk. and Harry Redknapp and Tottenham Hotspur and portsmouth and quitting and tough jobs.
You were good when you wore this shirt. What happened?
[Ed. Note: I'm still in a daze over Beckham joining Milan after Christmas, so forgive the light, well, non-existent posting this morning. Thoughts on that at some point.]
See, I told you there’d be barely any goals in the CL yesterday. Tuesday stole them all, dammit!
Considering we have Villa and Spurs fans reading along, today is their day. All the big clubs are tucked up in bed after their big, important European adventures, and today, it’s the kids’ turn in Little Cup. To which exotic destinations will these brave clubs travel? What languages might they need to speak? Will we have heard of any of the teams they’re playing?
(I could keep going, but I won’t)
In light of David Bentley’s “bit shit” comments last night, which surely served as the perfect digestif to Juande’s long lunch spent staring into the abyss and drooling, we will have some fun watching just how Spurs manage to corral their flabby, directionless collective into a coherent 90 minutes in Italy. Or maybe Ramos will just use the opportunity to check out Serie A “wanted” ads.
After the jumps, lineups, fun, and your colourful comments. It’s a good day to be alive.
Udinese v. Spurs
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Udinese: Handanovic, Motta, Coda, Domizzi, Lukovic, Inler, D’Agostino, Isla, Sanchez, Quagliarella, Di Natale.
Subs: Koprivec, Sala, Ferronetti, Pasquale, Obodo, Pepe, Floro Flores.
The Serie A club known as the “Little Zebras” are at virtually full-strength, anchored by an alarming number of Chileans. Alexis Sanchez and Mauricio Isla anchor the midfield, and the strike partnership of Italian National side fringe players Antonio Di Natale and Fabio Quagliarella should thrive against the visibly-aloof Spurs back 4.
According to his wikipedia page, Di Natale is “well known known for scoring impressive goals.” Considering the form of Spurs at the back this season, any goals he scores tonight will seem rather ordinary and run-of-the-mill by comparison to previous tallies.
Spurs: Gomes, Hutton, King, Woodgate, Assou-Ekotto, Lennon, Zokora, Jenas, O’Hara, Bale, Bent.
Subs: Cesar, Dawson, Gilberto, Gunter, Modric, Campbell, Giovani.
Gomes has been warned to not injure any of his own tonight, and we see rare starts for Assou-Ekotto and Jamie O’Hara. The center-back pairing of Samson-esque Woodgate and Samsonite-esque Ledley King should provide some comedy this evening. And yes, Ramos looks to be employing UF’s favourite formation, the 4-5-1.
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Other games tonight:
Aston Villa v. Ajax (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
Braga v. Portsmouth (kick off: 3.15pm ET)
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Updates:
Spurs are still losing 1-0 from a 1st half penalty given up by Gomes, which is a shame as he’s been superb since. Jamie O’Hara did manage a rather Barton-esque feat of greatness in getting 2 yellows within a minute and taking an early bath. Close to the end there. 1-0 Udinese still.
Aston Villa v. Ajax
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Aston Villa: Friedel, Luke Young, Cuellar, Laursen, Shorey, Reo-Coker, Petrov, Barry, Milner, Agbonlahor, Ashley Young.
Subs: Guzan, Sidwell, Harewood, Davies, Knight, Salifou, Gardner.
Expected line-up, right? O/U on number of misplayed passes for Reo-Coker currently set at 102.
Ajax: Vermeer, Silva, Oleguer, Vermaelen, Emanuelson, Lindgren, Sarpong, Vertonghen, Suarez, Huntelaar, Gabri.
Subs: Vonk, Van Der Wiel, Cvitanich, Leonardo, Sno, Anita, Schilder.
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Braga v. Portsmouth
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Braga: Eduardo, Frechaut, Moises, Alberto Rodriguez, Evaldo, Vandinho, Alan, Matheus, Aguiar, Renteria, Meyong.
Subs: Mario Felgueiras, Mossoro, Paulo Cesar, Jorginho, Stelvio Cruz, Cesar Peixoto, Joao Pereira.
4-5-1, probably? No clue. I hear Renteria is good.
Portsmouth: James, Campbell, Pamarot, Armand Traore, Distin, Davis, Diop, Hreidarsson, Little, Defoe, Crouch.
Subs: Ashdown, Utaka, Mvuemba, Hughes, Kanu, Belhadj, Wilson.
Nothing outrageous here either. Seeing a Traore in the starting XI is instant cause for concern. The Traores don’t make things easy for their teammates, oh no sir. Little and Large continue to spearhead a decent Pompey attack.
Written by Darkvader on October 23rd, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Lingering Bursitis and Spurs and Spurs are awful and UEFA Cup and adventures in travel and aston villa and portsmouth.
Consider Portsmouth. In the last five days, Pompey have played 180 minutes of soccer. In that time, they have given up 10 goals without registering one for themselves. A 6-0 weekend loss at Manchester City had been followed by a 4-0 loss at home to Chelsea. The team is stuttering worse than a non-Fox News Palin interview.
Where does the blame lie? Can we put it on Nacho Pete and the rest (save Defoe) of the team that refuses to score? Is it because David James decided he really likes being nicknamed “Calamity”? Or is ‘Arry not a good manager when unable to nick personal funds off of backroom deal with agents? Finally, is this just a bad week, or is this something that will continue? Well, it won’t this weekend at least. Portsmouth play Tottenham. Three easy points there.
Your input, and/or appropriate snark, is greatly appreciated.
Written by Darkvader on September 25th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Whudafxup? and portsmouth and ü75.
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