Chelsea 4-0 Portsmouth

Luiz Felipe Scolari’s reign as Chelsea boss started in style with an impressive win against Portsmouth.

Joe Cole slid home Michael Ballack’s pass after 12 minutes and Nicolas Anelka headed in Deco’s cross from close range in the 26th minute.

Frank Lampard added the third from the spot on the stroke of half-time after Sylvain Distin handled.

And Deco crowned a superb Chelsea debut with a swerving shot from 25 yards a minute from the end.

Scolari hopes to bring a more attractive brand of football to Stamford Bridge - and his new charges certainly delivered in their first Premier League game.

But the display should also be placed in the context of a truly wretched performance from Harry Redknapp’s side, who looked a shadow of the unit that had an impressive campaign last season.

Chelsea took only 12 minutes to score the first goal of the Scolari era, and it was perfectly fashioned as Ballack’s pass with the outside of his foot found Joe Cole, who slid a finish beyond James.

Scolari surprised by winning margin

Anelka almost added a second when he was denied by James after racing clear - but it was only a temporary reprieve for Portsmouth as the striker was on target after 26 minutes.

Jose Bosingwa’s cross was retrieved by Deco, who was having an outstanding first half, and Anelka headed home with James stranded out of position.

Anelka’s pace was proving too much for Portsmouth, and he shot narrowly wide after racing clear.

Chelsea lost Ballack to injury after 37 minutes, but his replacement Florent Malouda almost had an instant impact with a driven cross that flashed across the face of goal.

Portsmouth had a half-chance when Petr Cech was forced into a block from Niko Kranjcar, the Chelsea keeper recovering to block another effort from Peter Crouch.

Portsmouth were being totally outclassed, and the scoreline was given a more realistic appearance when Chelsea took a three-goal lead in the dying seconds of the opening period.

Distin handled Joe Cole’s cross and Lampard beat James with ease form the spot.

Chelsea continued to press after the break, with both Anelka and Joe Cole only inches away from adding to Portsmouth’s misery.

Little had been seen of Portsmouth’s new strike force of Crouch and Jermain Defoe, but it finally showed glimpses of promise with 13 minutes left.

Crouch headed a long ball into Defoe’s path, but he was stretching and steered his finish wide.

Chelsea deserved a fourth goal, and it was fitting that Deco got it with two minutes to go, firing in from 25 yards via the hands of James, who should have done better.

Owner Roman Abramovich was all smiles at the final whistle as he revelled in the first impressions created by his new manager.

Chelsea boss Luiz Felipe Scolari:
“I think the owner is happy, like the other fans.

“Portsmouth didn’t think we would play like we did and we were more aggressive than last season. I think they were surprised by our team.

“I only give the players the freedom to play and allow them to express their style.”

Portsmouth boss Harry Redknapp:
“You’re not going to break into the top four. No-one is this year.

“Spurs have got a squad and can’t even win at Middlesbrough, so you start forgetting about them.

“The top four are on another level. We’ve improved our standard in the last three or four years but, today, you step up into a different level.”

Chelsea: Cech, Bosingwa (Ferreira 83), Carvalho, Terry, Ashley Cole, Ballack (Malouda 38), Lampard, Obi, Deco, Joe Cole (Wright-Phillips 78), Anelka.
Subs Not Used: Hilario, Di Santo, Bridge, Alex.

Goals: Joe Cole 12, Anelka 26, Lampard 45 pen, Deco 89.

Portsmouth: James, Kaboul, Campbell, Distin, Hreidarsson, Johnson, Diarra (Mvuemba 68), Diop, Kranjcar (Thomas 73), Defoe, Crouch.
Subs Not Used: Ashdown, Lauren, Utaka, Cranie, Traore.

Booked: James.

Att: 41,468

Ref: Mike Dean (Wirral).
man of the match: Chelsea’s Deco 7.62 (on 90 minutes).

Written by Darkvader on August 17th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Results and Season '08-09.

EPL Preview: Portsmouth

Harry Redknapp is rightly celebrated in the south of England. After saving Portsmouth from relegation, he put the pieces together for an impressive campaign last year. Top half of the League. A spot in the UEFA Cup. And an FA Cup that, while perhaps tarnished by a fortunate run of matches (though they did take down United in the quarters), still stands as the first FA Cup won in 13 years by a club other than the Big Four of United, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool.

‘Arry. The Pompey faithful. Fratton Park . A squad built on steel, muscle, and experience. Playing in a crusty old ground that vibrates every weekend. Managed by a self-promoting but exceedingly personable character who may still be underrated. If there is a side that better personifies the battling nature that should define the middle of the Premiership table, I haven’t found them. Pompey give the Tottenhams’ of the world the shits one would normally get from bad lasagna.

After the jump, I’ll preview YOUR 2009-09 Portsmouth Blue Army…

Harry overpaid for Peter Crouch . 11m pounds. Really? For a guy who couldn’t really get a run at Liverpool and who specializes in terrorizing Macedonia? But the bean pole has underrated ball skills and, after all, just…scores…goals. He returns to Portsmouth to pair Wee Speed Demon Jermaine Defoe in certainly one of the most mouth-watering strike forces in the League. Pompey will score. And we’ll finally see what a full season brings out of Crouch.

David James. It’s almost hard to remember his moniker “Calamity.” Is he the best keeper in the Prem? His gaffes are more rare, and there are few better pure shot-blockers. I’d say fully 17 clubs in the league would take him in a heartbeat.

The Portsmouth back came together impressively last year. Former Hammer and Chelsea bust Glen Johnson has become perhaps England’s best right back. On the left, Herman Hreidarsson…ok, I don’t know a fucking thing about him. But the pairing of Sylvain Distin and slowing-but-proud Sol Campbell are about as stout as any center-half pair this side of United, Chelsea and Liverpool. And ‘Arry brought in Spurs’ reject Younes Kaboul to deputize the back. This is exactly the kind of move that works out for ‘Arry more often than not.

In the middle, former Chelsea and Arsenal man Lassana Diarra proved the big clubs wrong with a special season in a reserved role. And you may have seen Croatian Niko Kranjcar providing service to his mates in the Euro this summer (the link was from an, umm, prior match). The man can play.

In fact, Portsmouth’s one true weakness to this observer is on the wing. ‘Arry lost underrated Sulley Muntari to Mourinho’s Inter (of course, ‘Arry doubled his money on the sale). This will hurt. But where are the wings? You’ve got Peter Crouch’s head up there! Who’s going to ping them off that towering noggin? Width is Portsmouth’s one true question.

My Chelsea get Pompey this weekend. I’m not sweating the match too much, but it will be fun to open the season against this lot. If you’re looking for a club in the Premiership to follow, you could do much worse. Prediction? They’ll be, to my mind, right in the mix for 5th through 7th with Villa and Spurs (I’ve dropped City and Everton from this frame). Villa has to wonder about Gareth Barry’s attitude. Spurs have to knit a whole new squad. Harry is smiling like a Cheshire Cat. Call it 6th.

I’ll leave you with Pompey’s famous song. The Pompey Chimes. Sing it with me to the Westminster Chimes.

Play up Pompey, Pompey play up!

Written by Darkvader on August 15th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on EPL Season Preview and autoglass and portsmouth.

Euro 2008: Quarter-final 2

Turkey 1-1 Croatia (3-1 on penalties)
Well, that was one hell of a game. It was relatively uneventful for almost two hours, before a stunning conclusion that saw two goals in the last two minutes of stoppage time, before Turkey beat Croatia on penalties. The fact that it was scoreless through regular time was surprising enough, if you’d seen these two teams play earlier, but Turkey were set up to stifle the Croatian playmakers through midfield, and they did their job pretty effectively.

Croatia’s best chance of the game came in the 18th minute, as Luka Modric crossed the ball for Ivica Olic, who hit the crossbar from about two yards out — followed by Niko Kranjcar heading the rebound wide with the goalmouth open. Croatia were undoubtedly missing Eduardo; although Olic ran himself into the ground, he doesn’t have the same killer instinct in front of goal. He had another couple of chances in the second half, but the only time he put the ball in the net, he was flagged offside.

Turkey, on the other hand, had very few shots on goal, although they worked themselves into the game more as time went on — and they certainly picked the right time to peak in extra time. They needed a great save from Rustu Recber to get them that far, though, with a flying stop in the 84th minute on a shot from Dario Srna that was curling into the top corner.

The game was balanced on a knife-edge through extra time, and looked to be going to penalties, before Croatia struck with about a minute left. The ball was crossed from the left and was heading out of play, but Rustu inexplicably decided to chase it down; he was beaten to the ball by Modric, who clipped it back across onto substitute Ivan Klasnic’s head for a simple goal. Let’s hope that fibreglass kidney shield is sturdy, because I think the entire Croatian team plus their coaching staff all piled on top of Klasnic in their delirium.

They got just a teensy bit ahead of themselves, though, and Turkey didn’t give up, taking heart from their late comebacks against both Switzerland and the Czech Republic. Slaven Bilic was ranting at the officials because he wanted to make a substitution, but he should’ve been shouting at his own team instead, because rather than just holding onto possession and running down the clock, Croatia tried to play the ball over the Turkish defence and were called offside. Rustu sent the free kick into the box, where it fell to Semih Senturk to score the equalizer.

Once it went to penalties, you had to give Turkey the psychological edge, and that was only strengthened when Modric stepped up to take the first spot-kick and sent it wide. (It’s a bit harsh on him, because he’d been their best player by far; but we’ll give him credit for not bursting into tears like John Terry, at least.) Ivan Rakitic also missed for Croatia, making it 3-1 to Turkey after Rustu saved Mladen Petric’s shot — and redeemed himself somewhat for letting them score in the first place.

So Turkey are, against all the odds, into the semi-finals. They’ll have to produce something even more miraculous to get past Germany, considering that they have a slew of injuries and suspensions which will severely limit their options. But after this, you can’t entirely count them out.

Bad hair of the day award: Turkish goalkeeper Rustu Recber. It’s not so much a hairstyle as it’s just sort of there — an amazing combination of frizzy and lank. Add that to the sketchy goatee, and he’s not somebody that you’d want to meet in a dark alley.

Written by Jen on June 21st, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Football-Player.

Euro 2008 Liveblog: Croatia v. Turkey

Well, we are here.

Made it in one piece after the abbreviated workday (publishing is kind like that), and now we’re roosting on the corner of the bar, prepping for today.

This liveblogging is hard work, especially when you’re trying to drink at the same time. Proceedings are fairly sedate for the time being, being the Upper West Side, but it will degenerate come kick-off, of that I am certain.

To reiterate, we’re at George Keeley’s, on Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. If you’re out and about, please come and join us. Projection screen and a Golden Tee in front of us, and a fully-stocked bar and amiable bartender behind us.

These two teams have an arseload of history between them. Briefly speaking, they hate each other.

Let’s get cracking, shall we?

Starting XIs
—
CROATIA
01 Pletikosa
05 Corluka
04 Kovac
03 Simunic
22 Pranjic
11 Srna
14 Modric
10 Kovac
07 Rakitic
19 Kranjcar
18 Olic

—
TURKEY
01 Rustu
22 Altintop
04 Zan
15 Asik
03 Balta
06 Topal
20 Sarioglu
17 Sanli
14 Turan
18 Kazim-Richards
08 Nihat

—
2.37: Excitement’s building in the stands, with the requisite stupid hats and ridiculous face paints. Slaven Bilic was pacing anxiously a minute ago; is this the same useless cunt who spent 4 miserable seasons at West Ham and Everton? He’s become quite the managerial god.

2.39: Bigus is on his third pint, and equally anxious as the bar’s run out of his favourite beer, Victory Pilsner. He is sticking to his promise of being plastered by 3pm as he coolly cruises through his another full glass of “Doggy Style”.

2.40: [He's also anxious because he foolishly picked the Croats to win the whole tournament.] Seriously, he picked a Croatia v. Italy final. Could there be anything worse?

2.44: No-one knew the words to the Turkish national anthem, and now it’s Croatia’s turn. Bigus notes that the cameraman had to pan down to catch the speechless pint-sized midfielder Luka Modric, who will fit in well at Spurs: he’s short and has nothing worthwhile to say.

Kickoff is approaching!

We’re also going to switch the times for simplicity’s sake.

The stadium staff appear to have changed the colour of the running track to blue, giving the impression of a moat surrounding the pitch. This is presumably to ward off the advancing Turk hordes. It might be the smartest thing they do this entire tournament. My pick: Turkey’s winning this one….2-1.

1 min: Turkey starts quickly. They are going for the throat early, but both teams are rushing to assert their tempo.

The bar is also filling up slowly but surely. COME ON DOWN, FOLKS! Beer 2 and I’m gathering steam.

Also, NY Kid: they just ran out of this one beer. Bigus practically fucking lives here. [Is that what married life is really like?]

3 min: Modric takes a shot that’s deflected wide. Fatih Terin is yelling at his players.

Bilic looks like a bible salesman in his rather dour outfit choice.

4 min: A good shot by Altintop, only just wide. Croatia surge forward down the left, and the low cross into the 6-yard-box is scrambled away under pressure. Srna’s corner amounts to fuck all.

7 min:End-to-end stuff so far. Which makes me happy, because in my Mannix-esque way of thinking, a 0-0 that I hadn’t seen coming would be a fucking travesty. I mean, c’mon guys, this sport is fucking terrible when no-one scores a goal, right? Right?

11 min: We’re having some technical difficulties [read: Keeley's internet connection is pants], but we’re persevering. The beer is definitely helping. Kovac “fouls” Tuncay on the edge of the box, which was disgraceful in Bigus’ eyes. Kovac got the ball cleanly, but the ref blew the whistle anyway. Too quick on the draw. Free Kick was taken by Zan which hits Kovac of all people square in the chest. Kovac goes down like a cheap slut.

15 min: Turkey is definitely forcing the issue a lot more, having the lion’s share of possession and spending more time in Croatia’s half, but their attacks are quite meaningless. Very Michael Moore-esque in that regard.

The Turks are struggling to get the ball up to Nihat, and I for one am so fed up with the 4-5-1 formation that I want to drink the piss of Avram Grant’s wife to wash the sour taste out of my mouth.

16 min: Someone comes through the bar trying to sell wooden carvings of various animals. I consider buying the hippopotamus figurine for Bigus Dickus. Then, sense returns and I turn the man away.

Tommy Smyth makes another asinine comment, saying that Croatia is taking longer to settle than they have in previous games. No-one thinks to point out to him that it’s only been 18 minutes.

19 min: CROATIA GONE WILD…. almost. Modric takes the throughball down the right, squirting another dangerous low cross along the edge of the 6-yard box. Olic blazes the pass off the underside of the crossbar, and some idiot misses the rebound header with Rustu Recber beaten all ends up.

Olic and Balta are having quite the tussle down the right so far.

Bigus points out that you have to score those. I nod in agreement. Modric pounds the floor in frustration like a small toddler. Perhaps him and the other North London crybaby, William Gallas, should get together and have coffee sometime.

Bigus is well-equipped to make the toddler comparison as he has one of his own. It’s worth pointing out that Modric and Bigus’ son, Luke, are about the same height and weight.

24 mins: A great match so far. Wide open football from both sides, end-to-end stuff. Cracking to watch. Speaking of cracking, Kranjcar gave us his best Kimbo Slice impression by laying a boot into an unfortunate Turk’s face.

Pranjcic is having a field day down the left flank so far. 5 crosses in the last couple of minutes. The Croats are threatening…. goal soon for them, we reckon.

Beer #4.

26 mins: To address all this drunk/passed out talk, I assure you, we’re trying our best. Bigus talks at a million words per minute, the beer is catching up to us, and the internet connection is shaky at best. Recipe for disaster!

Also, all you grammar/comprehension ninnies…. fuck off. I’m not on the clock anymore, you bastards!

Bigus thinks I type like old people fuck…. well, his wife told me he fucks like old people fuck. Marital bliss does not reside in the Dickus household, it appears. So sad.

28 min: The bar is filling rapidly, just like my bladder. So many beers! The Turkish right-back needs defending lessons…. people not to ask: Sergio Ramos or the imminent Chelsea FC scapegoat Boswinga.

31 min: Bigus is pleased of this joke: “Arda needs to try ‘arder. Getting shrugged off the ball very easily.”

I remain unimpressed.

Seriously though, this is a wonder to watch. Memo to SI editors (of course I’m not letting this go): send Chris Mannix to Eastern Europe to watch the Turks play. Perhaps he’ll end up in that Hostel place they showed in movies.

32 min: Penfold lookalike Tommy Smyth is pleasuring us with his retarded observations. Bigus is about to smash the television.

Seriously though…. ESPN needs to try harder if they’re going to make an honest run at EPL coverage. Tommy Smyth deserves to be homeless.

34 min: Great play from Turkey. Now they’re putting all the pressure down the flanks.

No real chances to speak of in the last 10, but at least both teams are showing their cards. Attack, attack, attack. It’s glorious.

Also, the 4-5-1 still sucks, regardless if all the cool kids are doing it.

Is anyone still out there?

38 min: It’s all Turkey for the moment. Is this scripted? Have the two teams agreed to take 10 minute shifts in attack?

40 min: Cracking shot by Topal leaves Pletikosa at full stretch, but the ball drifts narrowly wide.

41 min: Bigus’ 2-line summary of the half: “End-to-end stuff, the Turks lack the passing in the final third, and Croatia look very dangerous down the left, where Pranjic has been raping Altintop blind.”

44 min: Discussions about the personal lives of various US Soccer luminaries about. We invited Sunil Gulati to the Kinsale with us [well, I didn't, but I have a friend who's got a connection], but predictably he turned us down. It makes sense, right? US Soccer’s chief has better things to do? Maybe we smell bad.

45 min + 1: Wolf-whistles echo in the night air as we’re winding down to halftime. Lots of back-and-forth, but only that one meaningful chance to reflect on. Olic should have buried that. You’re a striker, you’re six yards out, and you scuff the ball onto the crossbar.

Will that end up being a costly miss?

Bigus still picks the Turks “to get basted”.

I was hoping his jokes would improve as he got more drunk.

Bigus finally read my comment about his “fucking” “ability”, and would like the world, yes, the world, to know that his granddad was a sexual deviant.

This has nothing to do with the match, but he doesn’t care!

HALF TIME: Let’s address some comments, shall we? To “rape somebody blind”… I think the idea is that you fuck them so hard that they lose their eyesight, although if you google the term “rape blind”, you get a disturbingly large number of links to news stories about blind people being raped. It’s enough to make me want to stop liveblogging. But I digress. Julie Foudy is in the studio, and I wish I was deaf.

50 min: Thanks to the magic of pre-planning, my laptop battery is going to die in 20 minutes. I blame Bigus.

Croatia come agonizing close to a goal… nice sweeping move forward leads to not one, but two clearances off the goal-line. The match is running past at breakneck speed….Croatia will score soon. We are convinced of this.

Arda gets a yellow for a hipcheck on Sidney Crosby (we have no fucking idea who he knocked down. The volume on the telly is low, and the TV is blurry. Plus some Croat-loving tosser is yelling loudly.

54 min: Corluka is having a tidy game at the back for Croatia. More possession for Modric and co. in midfield as they start to exert the pressure.

57 min: Kranjcar is put through on goal via a neat pass, and his weak shot is smothered easily by Rustu Recber.

Bigus is unimpressed at Niko’s finish, but he’s not surprised: after all, Kranjcar does play for Portsmouth. He opines further that it’s due to him being surrounded by se(a)man for nine months of the year!

Brilliant!

60 min: The talk of the table has been concerned with guessing whether a female patron’s chest is real or enhanced. Also, we are trying to figure out why Colin Kazim-Richards also goes by Kazim-Kazim. Nobody has a fucking clue. Nobody knows, nobody knows…

Also, re: Julie Foudy…. would you fuck her? Is she “doable”?

[Beer keeps landing in front of us. It is my pre-constructed excuse for the decline in quality of this liveblog. It gets worse with every second.]

Bigus said he’s rather do me. Something about me having nicer hair [I sport a shaven head].

I am panicked by this revelation.

62 min: Anyone still here?

63 min: Another reason for the lack of updates is that there isn’t much going on in the second half. The pace has slowed, which is unsurprising considering the electricity of the first 45.

Dare we continue? Bigus just spilled beer on his notebook. He is saddened by this development.

66 min: From the mastermind of Bigus: Croatia are in control now, having cut down on the room and width Turkey were enjoying on the flanks. This sounds almost sensible, to our collective surprise.

He is adamant that Croatia will score in the next 10 minutes. Considering that he’s been wrong about everything else to this point, I will reserve judgment.

70 min: Bigus has amended his idea of Croatia scoring in the next 10 minutes. He is confident of extra time.

Immediately upon typing this, Croatia surge forward with a gorgeous 1-2 that results in a scuffed shot miles over the cross bar. He is now convinced again that Croatia are very close to scoring.

73 min:Croatia completely in control. It’s been almost 20 minutes since Turkey got into the final third, and they’re finding themselves stymied in midfield.

We had a slight hiccup there as my battery died, but we found a power outlet on the ceiling after removing the plug of one of the neon beer signs. I am now blogging almost standing up.

74 min: Corner to Croatia. Lots of pushing and shoving in the box. The ref is not having it. Srna swings it in low and it amounts to nothing. To credit the ref, he’s doing well thus far by being largely anonymous.

Another Croat corner whipped in low towards the edge of the 6-yard box, and it’s easily cleared.

77 min: ACTION! SWEET ACTION! A sub for Turkey… Topal off, Santurk on. Fatih has finally realized that another striking option is needed, so off comes one of the inept midfielders in lieu of another forward.

Bigus points out that Turkey are not even getting close to the final third, so another striker seems futile unless he’s got some Kuyt-esque workrate in him.

To RK5: we’re trying our best, but you can only work with what you’ve got, which in this case is a muted 2nd half and a lot of free pints.

79 min: Foul on the goalie Recber after another shit corner from Srna. Likely Lad: that was funny. Where is that humor in your liveblog efforts?

Recber needs a haircut.

82 min: The Turkish contingent in the stands are trying their hardest to get some life into their side, who have looked quite bland in the second half. Both teams are running out of steam, and Bigus is amazed that Croatia haven’t scored a goal yet.

Great, mazy run from Croat sub Petric leads to a free kick at the top of the box.

A huddle has formed around the ball, but it clears and Srna looks like he’s taking it.

83 min: Cracking free kick by Srna yields a diving save by Recber at full-stretch. How the fuck did he get on that? The ball was looping and swerving sharp for the top right corner, but Recber keeps his team in it. Magic save. By our count, that’s only the fourth or fifth save Recber’s had to make…. lots of possession but few clear-cut chances.

85 min: And now… a picture.

Extra time is looming as a Turkish free kick 40 yards out amounts to, yep, you’ve guessed it, nothing.

Credit the Turks for their resiliency, and seriously, credit to you, the commenters and visitors, who’ve been making our hard work worth something. Euro ‘08 has been a blast so far, and we’re all eternally grateful for the insight, observations, and lewd notes posted in all these liveblogs.

Please, keep them coming!

88 min: The Croat contingent in the bar is getting rowdy as the side surges forward once again, the sweeping move cut short by another cynical tackle. Corner for Croatia, taken again low and hard by Srna. Note to Bilic: have someone else take the corners. Srna’s whipping them in low right into the first Turkish defender. Nothing lofted in whatsoever.

Another dangerous cross from the right forces a great reaction save from Recber. Now the pace is picking up again as they forage in search of an injury-time winner.

90 min + 1: Wolf-whistles again from the crowd as Srna has another free kick 30 yards out and Recber keeps a grip on it. He’s keeping Turkey in this one. Not much bite on the free kick this time around, but he does what he’s there to do. Which is more than can be said for Petr Cech.

90 min + 3: With surely the last kick of the injury time, Olic has a sharp shot that fizzes just over the bar. He was offside, but who gives a shit?

FULL TIME: Turkey 0, Croatia 0

We’re off for another swift round of drinks and a game of darts.

Back in 10.

EXTRAS ARE UNDER WAY.

91 min: The match slowly rumbles back to life, and it appears that several of the Croatian team have used that brief breather to sort their hair out. Simunic’s hairstyle looks especially well put together. The side part is quite striking.

93 min: Despite my fondness for the Turks, they’re looking a lot like this year’s Greece. At least in this game…. lots of time spent defending and passing the ball around without much purpose. It’s enough to drive a man to dri— oh wait, we already are.

Kiss the ring!

94 min: Turkey’s getting a bit more possession and starting to find some room to work the ball wide, but the Croatians are very good at closing them down quickly. Turkey are like the mole to Croatia’s whacking at this point.

95 min: Pletikosa is forced into his first save for quite a while, getting down low to keep out the hard near post shot.

Bilic has loosened his tie and looks rather rattled…. his calm bible salesman persona is out the window. He now looks and acts like a man who’s renounced God and started hitting the whiskey.

97 min: There really is no place like NYC for attractive women with big wobbly butts. Seriously. We just spotted three in the space of a minute, jiggling down the street. Wobble wobble indeed!

The great Croat chance-squanderer Olic is off, replaced by some other c*nt with a five o’clock shadow. It’s Klasnic’s turn to be wasteful in front of goal.

Still, the beers keep arriving at our table. Anyone in New York: Amsterdam Avenue between 83rd and 84th. The sun is shining, the beer is flowing…. come on down!

100 min: Oh shit, a throw-in. u75: yes, the electricity is free, and the procession of beautiful women who just clocked off work is a joy to behold.

In bar news: some idiot in a brown t-shirt just pissed off his girlfriend, and he’s trying the “let me hug you and make it all better” routine. She is unimpressed and keeps shrugging him off. He keeps trying to hug her, and she’s visibly upset. He stroked her hair and she was two seconds shy of punching him in the balls. She’s now sulking on a stool while he continues to drink, alone at the table they once shared. THIS IS THE BEST DRAMA EVER.

He is wasting more chances to make up than Olic missed shots on the edge of the 6-yard box.

Bigus notes that he still has a chance, as she hasn’t left. She’s busy pouting. We would care more, except Bigus notes she looks like a Clanger.

At this point, blogging the match is secondary to blogging their argument. We will let you know if he managed to get back in her good books.

He’s now stormed off to the bathroom, and she’s about to leave. Chivalry is well and truly dead.

104 min: Turkey come close with a chance, but both teams are definitely playing for penalties. Neither side is really making any clear-cut opportunities. Turkey is enjoying the dregs of possession heading into the whistle.

In relationship news: both brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are sitting in silence at their table. I think they’re getting a divorce.

Bigus notes if he were in brown t-shirt guy’s position, he’d have gotten a divorce a long time ago, as she looks like a skinny girl chewing on a bag of wrenches.

BREAK Turkey 0, Croatia 0. Someone just showed up with an awesome dog! This is high fucking drama!

I am also silently hoping we get to liveblog our first penalty shoot-out of the competition.

Brown t-shirt guy and Clanger are slowly beginning to talk again. Who said world peace isn’t possible?

112 min: Klasnic, Olic, computer hitch, son-of-a-bitch. Some tech difficulties there, but we’re back. Both teams are pushing wherever they can to try and squeak out a winner, but this has PKs written all over it. Modric made a neat run down the right, but his selfishness dissolved the opportunity.

Clanger and brown t-shirt guy just left……. shame, that. On the other hand, the dog is still here, and it’s fucking awesome. [Sorry Q, no picture for you!]

The Croats are surging forward with desperation as the Turks are comfortable heading for penalties.

Man, I wish I had that dog as a pet. It’s like a cross between a golden retriever and a lab? I have no clue.

116 min: It’s not as nice as Bigus’ dog Bailey, I’ve been instructed at gunpoint to tell you.

Hey look, a scoring chance! Turkey prepare for a free-kick out on the right side.

117 min: Of course they sky it high over the bar instead of providing a threatening cross. It’s been that sort of game really: all the action in the middle of the park, but both teams faltering in the box, much like Likely Lad’s sad attempt at a sex life.

An ambulance just sped by. Bigus reckons brown t-shirt is laid up on a stretcher in the back suffering from a stab wound.

119 min: Penalties looming. Both goalies are taking their time with the goal kicks, and I wish Chris Mannix were here.

119 min: THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD, THE BAND IS ON THE FIELD! Unfuckingbelievable. Heartbreak for the plucky Turks…a quick shot of Vienna shows a fire in the Croat fan section.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL… cross in from the right, and finally a Croat gets on the end of it. Number 17, Klasnic, the sub nods it into at the near post. Bilic goes fucking apeshit on the sideline like it’s a Managers Gone Wild video shoot.

No PKs for us.

Croatia 1, Turkey 0.

120 min + 2: Um…. wow. GOOOOOOOOOOOOL….. Long, speculative ball into the Croat penalty area, and a great volley from Semih on the bounce finds the back of Pletikosa’s net. Unbelievable. The bar just erupted… the Croat is crying while the sizable throng of Turk sympathizers get loud and fucking rowdy. Amazing. Bilic yells in the face of the fourth official, adamant that there was a foul, but the goal stands with the last kick of the match. Unbelievable. Fuck you, Mannix, you douche. This is what it’s all about.

Croatia 1, Turkey 1.

PKs just around the corner. I cannot believe what just happened. Two goals in 80 seconds to keep the sides deadlocked. Here we go.

BEFORE PKs: You have to fancy the blessed Turks on this one. Bilic still hasn’t calmed down. Modric steps up for the first PK for Croatia. They shoot first.

PENALTIES
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MISS! Modric puts it wide right. Recber didn’t even need to dive. What a fuck-up for the new Spurs wunderkind. Cro 0-0 Tur

GOAL! Arda makes no mistake. Emphatic. Cro 0-1 Tur

GOAL! Srna makes it. Where was this power on those corner kicks? Cro 1-1 Tur

GOAL! Cool as you like. Equalizer hero Semih blasts it low to the left. Cro 1-2 Tur

MISS! Rakitic puts it wide left. Recber is jubilant. Bilic is stunned. Two huge misses.Cro 1-2 Tur

GOAL! Simple. Hamit Altintop slots it home, low to the left beyond Pletikosa. Cro 1-3 Tur

SAVE! Recber gets a hand to it, low to his left, and Petric is distraught. TURKEY THROUGH ON PENALTIES, 3-1. Amazing finish. The Turks celebrate while Bilic, the bible salesman, tries valiantly to console Kovac and co. Bigus is upset, as his fashionable Croatia for the title pick is ruined. Turkey head on to meet ze Germans in the next round. High fucking drama. Suck a dick, Mannix. You’d have loves this one.

Srna is devastated… three trainers and Bilic still can’t stop the tears. What a finish. Recber is getting laid many times tonight, you can bank on that. Altintop and Fatih are on top off the world. Amazing finish.

Of course, ESPN cut away from the celebrations to bring us… Sportscenter. They claim to have an interest in the sport, but really.. no post-match analysis? No trip to the soccer studio? I guess PTI is more important, hence the interruption. Fucking sad. Of course Scott Van Pelt cannot put this into words. To their credit, they do lead with the highlights, but it’s really a bit of a slap in the face. Fuck you, ESPN.

TURKEY GO ON. CROATIA ARE DEAD. LONG LIVE CROATIA.

Now if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to keep drinking. Roll on lads! Another good quarter-final in store tomorrow! Thanks for joining us, thanks for the comments, thank you very much. Free beer awaits!

Written by Darkvader on June 20th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Bigus Dickus and Croatia and Euro 2008 and Lingering Bursitis and Liveblogs and Turkey.

Juve: 12 million for Rakitic

The name of Ivan Rakitic is back for Juventus. According to the Croatian daily ‘Sportske Novosti’, the bianconeri would be ready to offer 12 million euros for the 20 year old midfielder under contract with Schalke until 2011.

The Croatian press also writes of Roma’s interest in Portsmouth midfielder, Niko Kranjcar. The giallorossi are also on the tracks French Manchester United attacker Louis Saha. The tabloid Daily Mail hypothesis a loan with a right of redemption set at 10 million euros. (calciomercato)

Written by Darkvader on June 19th, 2008 with no comments.
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Chelsea Chasing Croatia Star

Chelsea are the latest name to be linked with a summer swoop for Croatia midfielder Ivan Rakitic, who has already attracted strong interest from some of Europe’s heavyweights…

by Mike Maguire from Goal.com

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The 20-year-old has been one of Croatia’s standouts at EURO 2008 thus far, more than holding his own in a midfield containing the likes of Luka Modric and Niko Kranjcar.

The Schalke playmaker has been pushed out to the right side of midfield by Slaven Bilic, where his technique, vision and link play have attracted significant attention.

Juventus have tagged the former FC Basel man as a potential successor to Czech legend Pavel Nedved, while Internazionale have also expressed an interest.

And now The Sun reports that Chelsea have been checking out the Swiss-born Croat, who is expected to cost around ₤12million.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has been in Austria to watch his native Russia compete in Group D, and will no doubt have kept a close eye Rakitic’s efforts as Croatia topped Group B.

Incoming Blues boss Luiz Felipe Scolari may also get the chance to have a good hard look at the exciting youngster, as his Portugal side could well meet the Vatreni in the semi-finals.

Written by Darkvader on June 17th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Chelsea and News.

Euro 2008: Day 6

Croatia 2-1 Germany
So much for Germany’s status as tournament favourites. I don’t know if they just collapsed under the weight of expectations after their first game or what, but if so, Dear boys: You are not Spain. Stop being all neurotic. Love, me.

The first sign that maybe it wasn’t going to be Germany’s day came about 20 minutes in, after a relatively quiet start by both teams, as Mario Gomez put the ball into the net only for it to be (correctly) ruled out for offside. A few minutes later, it was Croatia who took the lead with a cross from the left wing that was poked into the net by Dario Srna, who’d got in behind Marcell Jansen. The Germans had several chances to equalize before halftime, but nothing came of it: a miss by Gomez, Michael Ballack’s free kick parried by the keeper, a header over the bar by Christoph Metzelder, another goal ruled out for a spurious foul by Gomez…

Croatia also had chances to extend their lead — Niko Kranjcar wasted a couple of shots — with the German defence looking decidedly shaky and Jens Lehmann being his usual nutty self. (I think I actually saw him biting the ball at one point. The hell?) Slaven Bilic had changed things after the game against Austria, putting an extra man in midfield, and he had his team fired up, passing well, pressing forward to support their lone striker, and closing Germany down quickly to deny them opportunities.

Joachim Low reshuffled his lineup at halftime, bringing David Odonkor on in place of the hapless Jansen, but they all just looked out of sorts — as if the entire team was cranky from missing their afternoon nap. And the changes didn’t have much impact, as Croatia scored again in the 62nd minute, a long shot from Ivan Rakitic on the right wing deflecting off Lukas Podolski and rebounding off the post for Ivica Olic to bury the rebound, with Jens Lehmann scrambling (and incidentally, I think he reacted late to the first goal too).

Bastien Schweinsteiger came on a bit later for Gomez (who’s been mediocre in both games so far and needs to be benched), and although he had a shot tipped just wide, his main impact on the game was getting sent off in stoppage time for a brainless shove on Jerko Leko. Podolski finally scored for Germany in the 78th minute, volleying home his shot after Ballack had knocked down Philipp Lahm’s cross from the left wing. Podolski and Lahm, by the way, are probably the only two German players who came out of this game with much credit. Ballack, who’s supposed to lead by example, mostly just stormed around and pouted — plus of course he got booked for a petulant tackle late on. Anyway, you would’ve expected Germany to really go for it after they made it 2-1, but Croatia still had way too much of the ball. They all just looked stunned when the final whistle blew, while the Croatians — especially Bilic — were going crazy celebrating an excellent win.

Austria 1-1 Poland
Austria, in constrast to their German cousins, played spirited attacking football, as if they were completely free of expectations of any kind. The only thing they were missing, sadly, was the ability to put the ball in the back of the net. Three times in the first 15 minutes they had clear chances on net, only to be stymied by a combination of terrible finishing and excellent goalkeeping by Artur Boruc. Possibly they were jinxed, or possibly Boruc had put high-powered magnets in both his socks and the ball. You never know.

Poland hadn’t played very well to start, but they got the opening goal against the run of play after half an hour: A cross from Ebi Smolarek, a shot by Marek Saganowski, and Roger Guerreiro scoring the rebound. But they couldn’t capitalize on that and extend their lead in the second half, with Jurgen Macho making a series of good saves. Instead, Austria were gifted a lifeline in stoppage time, with a penalty awarded after Mariusz Lewandowski dragged Sebastian Prodl down in the box while defending a free kick. Ivica Vastic stepped up to take it and took it well — he apparently won himself free beer for life in the process, by the way — to keep his team in the tournament for now.

What this all means is that Croatia are into the quarter-finals as group winners, while all three of the other teams are still alive depending on various permutations. If Austria beat Germany in their final game — which is not so out of the realm of probability as it once seemed — then the hosts will go through. You have to expect that Germany will get the win they need, but then they’ll have to face Portugal in the quarters; they likely would’ve had to meet them at some point anyway, but it’s still not a pleasant prospect for the Germans.

Next up in Group B: Austria v. Germany and Croatia v. Poland, both at 2:30 pm (ET) on Monday

Bad hair of the day award: Bastian Schweinsteiger and his platinum blonde monstrosity. Annie Lennox wants her hair back, Schweini. (I am also dubious about Lukas Podolski’s patchy hair colour, but I’ll give him a pass because at least he was useful, whereas Schweinsteiger gets points deducted for being sent off.)

Written by Jen on June 13th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Austria and Croatia and Euro 2008 and Germany and Poland.

Euro 2008 Open Thread: Croatia v. Austria

Written by Darkvader on June 8th, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Austria and Croatia and Open Thread and The Fan's Attic.

Euro2008 Update

Euro 2008 Previews: Croatia

Written by Darkvader on May 23rd, 2008 with no comments.
Read more articles on Can I have some cheese with my whine? and Croatia and Euro 2008.